Imploding Mutant Hysteria

Space v.s. No Space

2007-04-16T00:56:00.000+01:00

Bagan Sunset, Burma, December 2006

Picture by I.M.H.

Silence…I’ve been absent from this space…nothing more than time…something that was very present in my past life but has been inexistent more recently…
Of course time is something we find even when we don’t want to look for it…but I had other forms of using it…even so I want to let everybody know that I’m not dead…even sometimes I wished I was…I wish I was no more imploding…no more mutating…no more hysteria…

So I was making space…creating space…creating a double space, for me and my other half…living life and praising what I was gaining…what we were gaining…I figth for what we believe in…I fight between ourselves…between our inner selves…
Can I see life as a fight club were in the end we are all friends but while we are fighting we want to win…
Today is not a great day to write…today is not the day…today is the day…I feel something is turning, I just don’t know when its going to stop spinning and where it will be pointing when the spinning stops…

As you can perceive, I’m still growing to leave the Imploding Mutant Hysterical asshole behind…there is still a path to walk…a long path that I doubt I will ever outgrow but I’ll do my best…

I.M.H.

I'm alive...

2007-01-26T09:40:00.000Z

I'm aLIVE...
nOT iMPLOding...
MutaTING inTO the FUture...
nO hYSTERia...

I.M.H.

Communicate...or not...

2006-09-21T02:18:00.000+01:00

An ode to communication or no communication to communicate?

…Is there an image, there is a message?…is there an intention without an act to accompany it, is there a message?...there is no sound, there is a message?...is it tasteless, is there a message?...THERE IS ALWAYS A MESSAGE but the absence of a concrete definition of it makes it more vague, increases the variability of possible interpretations.

Suddenly the world is flooded by messages…internet, sms, news, sub-news, scroll bar news, magazines, newspapers, online-newspapers, being online, mms, cell-phones, telephones, faxes, emails, mails, bills, banks, behaviours, people, cultures, theory, practice, publicity, feelings, photographs, outdoors, choices, no-choices, expectations…
EXPLODE into the choice of paranoia…pseudo-constant-active-wellness-culturally interested and actualized-responsible professional, physically and psychologically unstoppable urban, with rural notions, human being. Were is the place for oneself in all of this?…What do we need to become fulfilled? Of course all of us need different things or demand them, but do we demand them from ourselves or from the idea that society gives us of what such a person should be? Of course I do not have the answer. But both seem to play a role in it, since we are part of our inner sphere but also from all that influences us from the outside (society)…
The spheres role…my sphere roles…but I look around and feel I see stereotype robots of society…walkthrough serial merchandising TV, www and publicity mechanical persons. I see them behave as they are everything except themselves. Am I becoming such a person too? PLEASE DON’T LET ME OR I’LL IMPLODE INTO MUTATING HYSTERIA.
Communicate with yourself and with the outer-self and be YOURSELF.

I.M.H. “I am sorry, but I need to ask” - Thom York sings on the album The Eraser

Others...

2006-06-23T00:40:00.000+01:00

Ovocniy Square, Prague, Czech Republic.

Picture by Srdjan Suki, taken from http://noticias.sapo.pt/foto.html?id=0

on the 3rd of June 2006 at 00h49m

So I’ve been very absent from the blog world…
Life has it’s flip top upper under left right, right to left turns in time…in space, that sometimes we freeze when we awaken from a sudden and unexpected tumble drier spin…
Another beer for the night ride…another moment broken by silence…by Ba Ba performed by Sigur Rós…and life, to get back on track (if it ever had a track to follow) should really go Ba Ba Ti Ki Di Do…
In the past weeks I lost, I lost, I gained and gained…in the past weeks a lot of people lost, a lot of people gained…maybe I grew older faster in the past weeks than in the past year…but what I realised is that there is still so much I want to grow towards…that I want to distance from…hat I want to develop…that I want to undo…I know what I search for…I believe, or make myself believe that I know how to reach it…but what I really know is shit. Never make yourself believe you know cause you don’t…someday your card castle may fall apart with a simple wind breeze, not mattering how large and solid you made the basement.
Listen to others and grow, even when they have nothing to say…
Try to walk in someone else’s shoes and feel how hard it is for them to fit…
Try to see through someone else’s eyes and you might need some time to adapt to the lightning…
We are nothing without others (whoever they might be)…

I.M.H.

Uma homenagem...

2006-06-11T14:33:00.000+01:00

Uma pessoa....uma memória...uma alegria...um vazio...uma dor...há uma semana...

Questions...

2006-05-25T03:47:00.000+01:00

I’ve been making some notes…ok, yes, I’ve been playing with the world of spheres, but at the same time, most of the ones close to me know that my world has been rocked by someone, the one I consider THE ONE.

First, I would like to redirect everyone to the site of a friend of mine http://me-global-nomad.blogspot.com and to the post of Wednesday, 17th of May 2006 (“Felizes os ignorantes”)…most of all, I appreciated the conversation that evolved in the comments section…

And, correct me if I’m wrong for misunderstanding this but I conclude the formula:
Survive equals the need for attention (so we can live), and by being attend we capture more knowledge, but this increase in knowledge tends us to be more aware of all the dangers…but the more dangers we are aware of, the bigger the worry…but all of this has to work in an homeostasis…a balanced surrounding…cause too much worry can lead to an unbalanced way of survival…
So this works all as a paradox of knowledge…the machine will never be able to fully understand itself, by studying its own self.
Will the complete understanding by the machine of its own way of working, delete all its existence expectations? Do we tend to the self destruction by knowledge? Or is there a basic protection mechanism that avoids us from fully understand the way we (biologically, psychologically and socially) work?
Ok, I agree that this questions do not refer to our increase of worries…but maybe it does, cause if we are as simple as I all shows we are supposed to be, most of us are stuck with an ego problem that means INSIGNIFICANCE and that worries a lot of persons! Or not!?

I.M.H.

P.S. – I always had this idea that the human being that suddenly would have the complete aware understanding of its self and its way and reason of existing, that it would self-destruct physically! I mean, the body would just stop functioning cause it had no more reason to live cause its main purpose of existing was destroyed: to understand why it exists!

...the moment...

2006-05-24T23:07:00.000+01:00

Venice, taked on the 15th of May 2006 by me...

No words, just images...what I feel right now I don't want to publish here...It's too good to be shouted out loud...I shout it to the ones that want to read it...

Amo-te bERTA...tanto...

Words for yOU...

2006-05-02T13:47:00.000+01:00

There are days when I just cannot understand my self…there are days when I do not find an answer for the words I expel.
I do not pretend to justify anything I’ve said, but what I want to say is that I cannot make you fell and believe what you exhale and create in me…so good, so big, so only you…the one I love, the one I want forever to be my oNE...the one that makes my time spot...my sight freeze...

Xavier

Music to yOU: "Follow the cops back home" performed by Placebo on the album Meds, that I listen on repeat...

Music towards...

2006-04-30T01:55:00.000+01:00

Pictures by I.M.H. for Time Fractions

I anxiously await for certain moments in life…certain happenings just swallow our attention…I want to “Sail to the moon” (song performed by Radiohead on the album Hail to the thief)…with yOU…
And I realise I am lost in this city…three pillars are gone and I stumble into loneliness…I still don’t belong here even I demand my self to be here as quick as I want to make my self believe so…I want to swallow my self into….music…so I listen to music…all kind…

Hysterical Mutations into Implosion.

Music Towards Venice, towards us...

Grow, a better man...

2006-04-29T03:22:00.000+01:00

“To here we go…sail us to the moon”
Photograph by Frantisek Staud, taken from the internet site: http://phototravels.net/venice/venice-dark.html on the 29th of April 2006 at 3h26m

Every time I look back on what I write, the less I can project my self into that past…I’m evolving, in which direction I don't know, but I am. I'm daily confronted with what makes me become more of a man and less of a child without losing the ability to play…but I’m still so far away from wisdom…I’m so far away of being whatever would give me a complete fulfillment.
I want everyday to grow further away…I really want to become bigger, brighter, wiser, smarter, more sensitive, more fulfilled…I just want to be a better man. I want to reach that 5 after putting together 2 + 2…will I be able to do it?

I’m testing myself…yOU are testing me…you and you are testing me too…we are testing on everyone and that has no wrong side if that testing is not based on “Pigs, in a cage, on antibiotics…” but on respect…we all want to grow from us and others and do not be afraid to test with respect and let yourself be tested by others…we will all grow better!
I’m so ridiculously small…

I.M.H.

Feeling bad about myself, but tomorow I'll be standing...

2006-04-21T00:20:00.000+01:00

So I’m much of a silent person now, at least in here.
I think I never grew as much as in the last 6 months…and I’ve never been so aware of the much I have to grow…or better, the more I have the illusion I’m growing as a person, the more I notice I am so far away from being completely mature…so am I really going backwards or am I developing a Socratic perspective of: the more I know the more I notice I don’t know anything at all!

But I’ve been so self-centred…so selfish that I could puke of sickness when I’m confronted with my selfish self…I trying so hard to become something that I’ve always believed I could be. Some goals in my life took time and right now I’m becoming too desperate to achieve them that I’m swallowing their existence.
Ok, today I feel like crap about myself…today I wanted to be swallowed by the earth…today I wanted to have a fresh clean piece of paper to write everything over again, but my fear is if I would write it all just back again in the same way! At this point of time in my life I’m not proud of me…what have achieved that has led me somewhere? You all are leading me somewhere, because I alone would be lost into nowhere.

I.M.H.

If I could just keep my stupid mind together...

2006-04-07T01:15:00.000+01:00

Today someone called me a depressed person that is not aware of his depression!
I laughed, for the first time in my life after such an analysis, I laughed…

Cause today I became aware there are loads of things in my life I don’t control, and I have a fake illusion of control over it…even a selfish one, cause believing I make such a difference is just a matter of selfishness…

I spare my existence for nothing but me…for nothing but my sphere rolling on itself, on its own surface, on its on inside-in-out-outside texture. Even so I still believe I have to give the best of me, but from the moment I know I gave my best, there should be nothing to question or to be afraid of. But can we really drain all the possible hypothesis so we come to the conclusion that we really did our best? I think so…if we can calmly analyse the situation, we may get there, even I never felt it…

I’m growing…I can not please everyone…I can not be there for everyone…choices have to be made in life…but the ones that really need us, should know without hesitation, that I am here!

Thanks for reading and I dedicate to all of you this marvellous song performed by Sparklehorse on the album Good Morning Spider called: “Maria’s little elbows”. And to yOU I dedicate the song "I'm so sick of goodbyes" from the same performer and album.

I.M.H.

The precious movement of time…

2006-03-25T01:38:00.000Z

Picture by I.M.H. on the 10th of March 2006 for Time Fractions

This blog has lost some of its main creativity…I have lost my vain to produce? What the fuck do I know! The problem is that I dislike feeling pressured to write, even knowing the only one who pressures here is me on me…

So I want to apologise for whatever you have been waiting for but I haven’t been able to produce…but even so, I can advise all of you that something soon will burst, the problem is what maybe soon for me can’t be for all of you or vice-versa.

I.M.H.

When will we get to 2046...

2006-03-11T04:11:00.000Z

As the world turns, we try to maintain our axe and not lose centre.
I won’t give up on yOU…cause my world turns around you and the sun the lights my life is yOU and the moon that moves my tides is yOU…

Hotel rooms…
2046 seconds
2046 images

2046 smiles
2046 tears
2046 tastes
2046 dances
2046 songs
2046 memories
2046 times I say I love yOU
2046 spheres that turn on themselves
2047 times I want to stay in your room 2046 and lose myself in it…yes, i'm talking to you. bERTA

I.M.H. wanting to lay next to yOU…

Mayonaise...

2006-03-02T04:07:00.000Z

I can only write the words of the lyrics of this song performed by the Smashing Pumpkins on the album Siamese Dream, called "Mayonaise".

Fool enough to almost be it, cool enough to not quite see it: Doomed. Pick your pockets full of sorrow and run away with me tomorrow: June. We'll try and ease the pain but somehow we'll feel the same well, no one knows where our secrets go. I send a heart to all my dearies when your life is so dreary: Dream. I'm rumored to the straight and narrow while the harlots of my perils: Scream. And I fail but when I can, I will try to understand that when I can, I will. Mother weep the years I'm missing all our time can't be given: Back. Shut my mouth and strike the demons that cursed you and your reasons out of hand and out of season out of love and out of feeling. So bad but when I can, I will. Words defy the plan, when I can, I will. Fool enough to almost be it and cool enough to not quite see it and old enough to always feel this always old, I'll always feel this. No more promise no more sorrow, no longer will I follow can anybody hear me I just want to be me and when I can, I will. Try to understand that when I can, I will."

Lyrics by Billy Corgan

I.M.H. still imploding in his own mistakes and stupidity...

Fade into you.

2006-02-18T03:30:00.000Z

Listening to a record from a long time ago (Mazzy Star: So Tonight I Might See)…
I can only write:

I want to fade into you
I want to fade into all of you
I want to fade into my hotel
I want to fade into your room
I want to fade into your sleep
I want to fade into your dreams
I want to fade into something true
I want to fade into the blue
Fading and becoming one, from two.
Fading and swallowing all the stupid things I said to you
Fading and drowning my selfishness
Fading and being reborn into something new
I want to fade into the waves we dream about
I want to fade into the sand we lay on
I want to fade into the sun that blinds us both
I want to fade into the full moon we simultaneously look at (from a different place)
I want to fade into the stars we count
I want to fade into you…and into me…into us.

I.M.H. fading…

Distance awareness = my stupidity!

2006-02-17T00:26:00.000Z

A tribute to Edward Steichen
“The Pond-moonlight” photograph from Edward Steichen (1904)
Retrieved from www.publico.clix.pt on the 16 of February 2006 at 18h23m

Distance...a physical measure or a psychological awareness? Or both?
I feel distance…I’m aware of that distance…but sometimes I do not feel the distance, cause I have no need for the physical proximity, so I can only conclude that psychologically it is more important than physically? Some of you are laughing right now as you read this knowing what my main graduation is! But honestly I’m thinking about this as neutral as I can be.

But I will contradict myself! I should not have psychological distance with yOU anymore, because right now it only exists physically…but I do feel it, very selfishly I must admit, but I do feel it…I’m demanding something I should not and I feel ashamed for myself…even that distance exists physically, psychologically I should not demand it, cause that is what I’m really doing…
Some other persons I do not feel the need to gain physical proximity, because I feel them so close psychologically, like everything is in it’s right place! I do not have doubts, cause that is what it really is all about: Having uncertainties and doubts about something.
So even I’m smelling you from the other side of your room’s door (2046), I miss you…I do want to feel yOU…while with others, physical distance is a minor point, from the moment I feel I can rely on you easily as I feel you all rely on me (and it’s not that I don’t wish to be with you all, I do…even it’s not in such a physical way)…

I know I’m confused because I cannot accept the way my self demands your attention…I’m sorry…
Thanks for reading…

I.M.H.

Discovering how time passes by!

2006-02-04T00:51:00.001Z

I write about spheres, hotels, rooms, surfaces, liquids, inside-out, outside-in, inside-in, outside-out, pigs in cages, hearing colours, tasting sounds, looking at smells, touching tastes, smelling tastes…by travelling with me I discover how my self exits, coexists and as quick as it develops, it implodes and mutates with silent screams.

Unfortunately, as some always look at others to explain themselves, few look at themselves to explain themselves and even more few intake what others say about their self to really understand their "selfs"! This may sound as prejudice for some of you but it’s not…because I’m really trying to understand my self from the third point of view and that’s not easy (at least for me), since I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve selfishly looked too much at me to understand me and haven’t listened enough to what others outlook me and why they build up and create such an image that may be closer to what I really am, than the one I really want to believe I am (my imaginary self)…

So I’ve mostly been struggling on me and nothing else but me…because I have no clear image of what I am and what I really want to become…it’s not that I’m completely lost or even close to that, just that I’ve been confronted with some aspects of me that left me uncomfortable, just because they are so true! Thanks to all of you for showing me “me”.

But right now I’ sure of several things: I love this city I live in and I want to stay here very strongly…I made some amazing friends here that really strengthen my will to stay here. In this city, I fell in love like I believe I never had before and on the post of the 23rd of January 2006, I mention you bERTA as that the one I love so much and dearly.
This, in conjugation with my self discovering that this persons and city have provided me, will make me grow closer to what I really am.
Of course, in Viana and Porto some of my most precious persons live up there…I do not forget all of you…
Thanks for reading…

I.M.H.

Fitter...Happier...

2006-01-27T03:21:00.000Z

So my last post is nothing of an Imploding Mutant Hysteria…
So for the past 3 weeks I’ve been much less of an Imploding Mutant Hysteria…
And of course all of you now know why in a direct form…

For the past three weeks I’ve been discovering other parts of me…not so imploding ones…it doesn’t mean better ones sometimes…(I became aware of how I pre-judge certain situations based on all my past experiences that have nothing to do with the present situations)…within the sphere I am always discovering, reflecting, developing, destroying…imploding-expanding…mutating-degenerating…

So my sphere arises for a complete new episode in my life…my hotel has been blossoming and alive…the sun shines outside…the smoothness of everything I’m feeling resides on the compatibility within spheres and by letting them role inside hotels of hotels that themselves are inside-out hotels…room 2046 is not for rent, it has been bought for the person that just amazingly rolled, pushed, pulled, threw, called and keeps on shaking my sphere across my own hotel (I mean this in a very positive way, don’t misunderstand me)…

This is not a unidirectional post but a post that wants to reach everybody…
Let your spheres be shaken...open your hotels to guests…don’t be afraid of room 2046…don’t be afraid of being yourselves…don’t be afraid to role, to push and be pushed, to pull and to be pulled, to throw and to be thrown across hotels…across rooms…call and respond to calls…shake…and mostly after I let myself loose, I was more and more confronted with 1 = 2 as 2+2 = 5 leading towards 9/3 = 4 while 4x4 = 21…just “Fitter; Happier, More Productive…” from the Radiohead album OK computer on the track “Fitter, Happier”.

I.M.H.

Ba Ba Ti Ki Di Do...

2006-01-23T01:55:00.000Z

I could only write in here feelings, and what mostly drives me to write here are those feelings...confusions and illusions of states of mind...

But confusions I do not appear to have in relation to what I feel…
I love you so much, that I only want to make you feel it…and write it here out in the open for everyone to read it because I have nothing to hide…AMO-TE bERTA…
So I’m not imploding, I’m expanding…I’m not mutating, I’m developing…I’m not hysterical, or maybe I am :-)…

This may appaer as a personal message to someone, but it’s also an obviuous confession to everyone...

Xavier

Self-feeding-ego-potion...

2006-01-17T02:20:00.000Z

For times, the sphere roles in its hotel and silently it just keep peaking in the rented rooms and the empty one too (we never know that a hidden guest decided to live in it!).
So I’ve become more silent. So I’m hiding in some room of my hotel instead of staying there in the main hall to show myself and be seen by everyone who decides to take a glimpse at me…Cause on days like today, I'm so scared of me...because I despise the image I see in the mirror.

Today, I passed the day asking my own self, how of a vampire my own ego is towards others…I mean, how much do I suck of others in an unidirectional way so that my sphere only absorbs while approaching the rooms with a malicious intension of own revival, and not in an altruistic way! It’s painful to think as me in that way, but maybe I am so! I don’t like that in me…I do not wish to feed that vampire in me…I want to let it starve of hunger for greed for self feeding “ego-potion”.

Of course we all feed ourselves from others, but this can happen in a non selfish and altruistic way of bidirectional growth and energy feeding…
What I want to mean is that from today on I entered a reflection and analysis period to structure my way of existing towards others and how I “use” them! And how they “use” me! Please let me know if you ever felt sucked dry by me! And Iam sorry if I did.

I.M.H...not wanting to breath "self-feeding-ego-potion"...

In a matter of speaking...

2006-01-10T02:30:00.000Z

Spheres, hotel rooms that lead us towards 2046, rented rooms…time passes and sometimes we don’t even realize how it does, on other times it just takes so long to pass!
It has been a while now since I wrote here the last time, especially if we look at the near past vomiting that went thru here…ok, I could make myself look strong and stable and say that the things that happen to me the past days were so private that I did not want to publish them here…even this is not completely wrong and I wouldn’t be very dishonest by writing this, the truth is that I’ve been away from my night-awaken-floating…

But I still believe in 2046 Hotel rooms…in discovering them…the way elliptic-spheres role inside them…how different kind of hotels make it more or less difficult to discover their interiors…how the spheres are moving affects the way the hotel is perceived! How the way our feeling affect so much our rolling, our capability to open doors…how we all should be aware of our hotel, of the infrastructure that constitutes it, it’s decoration, what kind of people pass by…how we learn from those experiences…and never be afraid of room 2046.
I was never afraid of room 2046 and the sphere that lives in it, but I’m afraid of myself…that’s what I am always afraid of: not the others, but me.
I LOVE YOU b and I'm so happy that you are letting me love you (Xavier)
To yOU I dedicate: In a matter of speaking, performed by Nouvelle Vague

I.M.H.

On the way to 2046...

2006-01-01T23:23:00.000Z

Inicia-se uma contagem nova, segundo o calendário católico, desta vez dentro do arquivo 2006. Quando atinjo este dia, há sempre uma esperança de que algo de novo, sempre para melhor, surja na génese de um Janeiro como iniciação de um novo ciclo de 12 meses.
Mas na realidade, o que me resta é efectuar um balanço do que foi dos "12" em 2005!
Um ano particular, provavelmente, pois faz-me sentir que (apesar de a ter conhecido em pessoa, em 2004) encontrei uma das pessoas mais importantes da minha vida. Uma pessoa que desencadeou um panóplia de sentimentos em mim que eu já há muito pensava impossível de despoletar. “Não há amor como o primeiro!” dizem os entendidos, pois eu refuto essa frase, porque quando ele é verdadeiro, não há classificação possível para esse amor! E este que eu sinto neste momento é tão forte. A Killa disse-me que parecia que nunca tinha estado apaixonado! Não acredito que seja isso, mas que este é o mais puro, estruturado, racionalizado e maturo amor que já nutri por alguém: sem dúvida!

Foi um ano de confronto pessoal…com a minha esfera em constante oposição a si mesma. Como se fosse posta em frente a um espelho e esse mesmo espelho questionasse o que estava a ser reflectido. Foi um ano em que mais vezes me senti confrontado, na minha forma de ser, por outras esferas.
Enquanto que em 2004 possuía uma série de acontecimentos externos a mim que marcaram e direccionaram a minha forma de ser, 2005, fui confrontado comigo, a vários níveis e em muitos que não me foi nada agradável ver a minha pessoa como pessoa relativamente aos outros! Obrigado a todos que me confrontaram comigo.
Contudo, 2005 deplotou em mim sentimentos incríveis:Gostaria de salientar a emoção no final do concerto de Sigur Rós no coliseu dos recreios…obviamente que há outros mas que me são muito particulares e não pretendo aqui divulga-los.

No início de 2005 tinha feito a promessa de ser o mais honesto possível…acho que consegui mesmo com algumas falhas…mas vou manter esse repto para 2006 porque acho que não está concluído, pelo menos nos moldes que eu desejaria.

Gostaria de salientar algumas pessoas simplesmente pela presença mais activa na minha vida: Xano, Tonie, Ana, Killa, Killo, X-ina, Patrizia (mi hermanita), Cris, Márcia, Joana (Maia), Ju. Não há uma hierarquia pré estabelecida para esta lista...
b – AMO-TE (por tudo o que significas e és para mim…por tudo o que me fazes querer ser…por tudo o que me fazes sentir…PRINCIPALMENTE POR TUDO O QUE ÉS).

Um bom ano de 2006 para todos,

Xavier a.k.a. I.M.H. a.k.a. Talkshow Host, on the way to 2046!

New Year in your room (2046)

2005-12-27T02:32:00.000Z

Image from the film "2046", taken from the internet page: http://www.duendemad.com/images/cine/48-2046.jpg on the 27th of December 2005 at 02h35m.

I cannot stop listening to this track right now (“The Pioneers (M83 remix)” performed by Bloc Party on the album Silent Alarm Remixed), very loud on my headphones…I cannot go to sleep without leaving here some words…at the same time I shouldn’t because this is only meant to communicate to yOU and only yOU…

The music shouts to me: “It’s all under control…it’s all under control…all you need is time” …and I smile, because I do not have the control…I have no idea if I have time. I just have the certainty of the strength of my love towards yOU. Take me to 2046.

I would love to spend the first seconds of the New Year feeling the softness and sweetness of your lips with my lips.

I.M.H. with self-centred New Years wishes.

Rooms in hotels! Hotels in rooms!

2005-12-25T02:43:00.000Z

Image from the film "2046", taken from the internet page: http://www.raremovieimages.com/2046/00612_F_05_1000.jpg on the 25th of December 2005 at 02h45m

So we all are hotels, some more oriental than others!

And each rooms leads to another hotel, another dimension. But yOU are my dimension 2046! The dimension we all go towards when we are looking for something called………..whatever, but we (I’m speaking in general, not specifically) know we are looking for it.

We control our hotel, but, even imposing some rules during check-in, we never control what’s happening inside. This gains more uncertainty when our guests stay in the same room for a very long time. So entering a rented room, we are always entering a dimension that is part of us, because we made it that way, but we do not control de life inside of it. In Oriental Hotel, I even give the liberty for the guests to change the room at their pleasure without reaching a point of destruction…Oriental Hotel cannot lose its personality!

I just imagine the two of us in this position (as in the image at the top of this post)…in room 2046. Your room…in my hotel…but also the door to your hotel, from your room! And where is my room in your hotel?

I.M.H. that loves and misses yOU. I love your room: 2046

P.S. – May all of your Christmas be special in some way! Love + Peace + Empathy <=> Respect <=> 1 = 2 as 2 + 2 = 5.

Oriental Hotel

2005-12-23T04:52:00.000Z

Image from the movie 2046. Taken from the site: http://www.julietteb.com/divers/2046.jpg on the 23rd of December 2005 at 04h54m.

If all rooms had the intensity of 2046…there would be no 2046…there would only be numbers.
My life as an Oriental Hotel, with different rooms.
There is always room 2046, where yOU are. A huge room, hypnotizing, beautiful, with some mirrors on the wall…wall colours that change from time to time, the position of the furniture changes…a room while looking at the whole of it, I do not perceive every single precious little detail that constitutes it, but those are the things that really hypnotize me. The smell; the light; the shivers I feel while I walk in it, the sounds that constitute the room are unique.
The beauty if yOU laying on the bed, the way yOU smoothly dance with the silk-sheets while yOU sleep…the room is yOU and yOU are part of the room, cause that is your room.
I could spend days…weeks…months…years in that room, exploring every single corner, every piece of furniture that yOU specifically chose to compose it and make it yours.
I love your room, because I love yOU...I want to enter your hotel from your room. But as 1 equals 2, and 2+2 equals 5, your room is enigmatic, and hypnotizing…I’m not looking for the solution, I’m just looking around because it pleases me, it gives me pleasure, it drowns me, I leisure myself in it…because I feel I can make your room (that is part of your hotel) more fascinating for yOU and so make my hotel so much more exiting for me.

Elliptic spheres in hotel rooms!

I.M.H. that loves yOU and misses yOU too...

I am ashamed and speachless with my behavior...

2005-12-19T08:46:00.000Z

Image taken from: http://www.wkw-inthemoodforlove.com

Movie: "In the mood for love" by Wong Kar-Wai

"My movements dance at the smoothness of your walk and how I love to walk next to yOU!"

Could I have been more ashamed of myself, disrespectful to the person I love in this world? I will not forgive my self for this one and I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you so much…even I know the weight of the word I use to ask for my forgivenes does not have the ability to block the wound of the blade I used on yOU.

I hope I can ever go back to the start.

Xavier...

Os tengo demasiado lejos...

2005-12-17T02:57:00.000Z

Hoy escribo en castellano, porque en la realidad, hay dos rezones para que este blog esta en ingles: 1º Porque cuando escucho música en ingles, yo hago mucho caso a las letras y por eso, en cuanto escribo y escucho música, me sale todo en ingles. 2º Porque quiero que este blog llegue lo mas lejos posible, a todas las personas q conozco…pero como la mayor parte se encuentra en tierras de Cervantes, y el ingles no os va muy bien, esta hipótesis casi que se anula a si misma.

Pues que os puedo decir: que hay muchos de vosotros a que hecho tanto de menos y que se que si viviéramos físicamente mas próximos, a menudo estaríamos juntos. Cris, Celsa, Ricardo, Sabrina, Isma, Manolet…soys como familia para mi…y lo escribo aquí para dejarlo público…A mi hermanita, de Valladolid…ya no eres familia, pero eres mi sangre, y por ti me pueden matar.

Pues este blog gira en torno de una esfera: la mía (ya se, una perspectiva muy egocéntrica de funcionar). Lo que en la realidad intento es encontrar explicaciones para mogollón de formas de mi funcionar. Tanto a nivel interior como exterior. Pero últimamente, mi mundo pequeñito y ridículo, ha sido agitado por una esfera que me deja ciego por la intensidad de luz que emite. Pero no tengo miedo de sentir, tengo mas miedo de pensar (esto puede sonar muy paradoxal ya que este blog piensa sobre los sentimientos)…pero como me dijo Cris, lo q importa, al final en la vida, son las personas…y siempre que encuentro personas que me hagan sentir bien, porque no lo he de decir?…de sentir?…Son las personas que me hacen vivir…Si, estoy enamorado…estoy sintiendo con toda la fuerza, pero me estoy machacando a mi mismo…pero lo siento de corazón abierto...es la persona de mi vida…y no sangro, vivo!

Últimamente siento necesidad de dejar claro al mundo quien son las personas que hacen la diferencia en existencia, y del otro lado de la frontera hay muchas…demasiadas quizás (y cuando digo esto, no lo digo de forma negativa, pero de forma muy positiva…)…gracias por leer todo lo que aquí escribo, mismo que tenga muy pocos comentarios, se que pasáis por aquí a menudo…
Pues un whisky mas me tomo…un segundo porro me fumo…y a dormir, que mañana hay que trabajar para ganarse económicamente la vida.
Os quiero a todos, besos,

I.M.H. con una crisis patriótica...

The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

2005-12-16T02:22:00.000Z

Image taken from the movie: "The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" (2004)

Directed by Michel Gondry. Argument by Michel Gondry and Charlie Kaufman.

I don’t want to erase…I will never want to erase you, because only amazing things you give me, only amazing things you make me feel, only you are you and it’s that you I love…and even it hurts sometimes, I want to love, keep loving and remember that love. The real ones we can never erase!

“I don't feel cold when I’m laying on the ice with you! Tonight we were cold, but even so I loved getting drunk on the taste of your silk-skin!” (Xavier)

I.M.H.

Kind of love...

2005-12-15T01:00:00.000Z

Of course, I wouldn’t be able to sleep before I send this out to the web…

I am surrounded by people…people I love, people I work with, people I live with, people that don’t matter, people that matter…people…

And I promised to become silent towards some aspects of my life, and I will maintain discrete even some of you already know what I’m talking about.
What I would like to leave clear here is that, most things I write are very serious to me…this a stupidly serious blog…and maybe I should take life more at ease…
I use words that for me are very strong and mean a lot…I don’t want to be misunderstood that by putting them here out in the open, that I’m taking weight of them or using them in vain! And now, more specifically, I’m talking about the word LOVE. I’ve used it quite often lattlley because I felt the need to let some persons know that I love them in a specific way. When I mean love, I really do mean love! And when I say “I love you!” I really mean I love you!!! And persons that know me well, know that I don’t use it in vain…that I hadn’t used it for years…
But I’m in love with someone, and she knows who she is…I would turn the world upside-down for you…and that love for you is so strong, that I do not want to silent it, because something so strong, can only mean real, pure, unconditional LOVE. And it’s great to feel it. I LOVE YOU. No hidden messages, no hidden words…just your name, in respect! Because it’s something ours…
Xavier

Images from the movie "Dolls", by Takeshi Kitano.
Music for tonight: "Let's go out tonight", performed by Craig Armstrong, on the album The Space Between us.

P.S. - Maybe this movie does not show the way I love you…but maybe it does…thank you for showing me this masterpiece.

Correction...

2005-12-12T03:01:00.000Z

Pictures by I.M.H. for Time Fractions

Once again I was wrong…you called me! I think you liked the present…and this is the part missing that I couldn’t put together…I just wanted to admit in public I was once more wrong, silence will be made an effort to prevail from now on…

I.M.H. stupidity…

Weeks resume.

2005-12-11T04:39:00.000Z

Picture by I.M.H. for time fractions.

04h51m…just finished working, talking with some friends, have a whisky…putting something in a mailbox...

I feel a strange week (at first I classified as difficult, but I rather change it to strange). A hard week at home with Oedipus tensions being raised very high…but I controlled myself completely. It’s not the matter of winning a battle or a war, it’s a matter of feeling good with myself and with my actions…tune in how I feel and think with how finally I act.

Afterwards, (for those who didn’t get it like that!), I literally got a gun pointed at my head from another car, at about 2h30m of the 8th of December. And rather than scare me, it made me think…but 30 minutes later, that day I read something that only 24 hours later I realized: S (from Belgium) committed suicide!...Seconds can become hours and seconds can just be seconds…time is how we feel it…

In the meanwhile I felt I’m getting stronger, thanks to the support of friends I have and that when I need them they are always there: AGGA, Ana, Killa, Ju, M, Cris, an lots more, but this are the first ones I call, when yOU are not in reach…

The strange thing about all this is that I feel I could become very close (I don’t mean in a physical way, but emotionally, I feel I can trust them completely, but I already made some mistakes thruought my life at this level) with some persons while with others ,that would never be possible. There is no logical explanation for this, it's a feeling…

Today……will you call me? Well you like what I left you in your mailbox? Why do I think you won’t? Only you know…
Maybe I'm, stuck with some things and thoughts in my life...but after I solve them, another crossroad will apear.
Thanks for being there and I dedicate to my dearest friends “Agnus Day” performed by Rufus Wainwright on the album Want Two.

Love you all differently but with the same strength…

I.M.H.

To yOU I’m still listening to “Lullaby” performed by Lamb on the album Fear of Fours.

To you b...

2005-12-10T02:17:00.000Z

...on your last oriental sunset, moonshadow and surise.

"Lullaby"

Always and forever

We'll be free

Always and forever

Be with me

We'll have love aplenty

We'll have joys outnumbered

We'll share perfect moments

You and me
Always and forever

You will see

Always and forever

Just be with me
We'll have love aplenty

We'll have joys outnumbered

We'll share perfect moments

You and me

Performed by Lamb on the album Fear of Fours

...because I miss touching your voice, listening to your eyes and watching your smell.

Most of what I wrote here the past 3 weeks is what I wanted to talk with you about.

Love You so much. Always and forever, yours.

S

2005-12-09T03:14:00.000Z

As the dust settles, and I am able to easily open my eyes again, all this questions pop out of my mind! It’s not making the decision of taking its own life that bothers me, but getting it really done?
I start to realize how easy it can be and how hard at the same time…it had been more than 7 or 8 months since I had exchange an email with you…for nearly 8 years we never lost touch and now I can delete your phone number from my mobile phone, because you no longer exist! I can delete your email! I can delete you address...I have to delete you, because you no longer exist...even this post is nonesense because you'll never read it! But I have to let this out.

I realize you are gone! Maybe I wouldn’t miss you if we kept silent for another 8 or 9 months but as we come to facts, I miss you!

So in memory of you, I write this post. I’m not gone judge your act…it just feels cold.
I can only smile at the times we spent together…thank you.

Love, Peace and Empathy.
Respect

X.

To S I dedicate "The Pionner" performed by Bloc Party and remixed by M83 for the album Silent Alarm Remix.

Tonight...in memory of...

2005-12-08T04:40:00.000Z

Today, I am, was happy…in a couple of minutes, everything flips the other way around…

I am/was happy because my Football team won an important match against a difficult team.

I am happy because it’s the birthday of one of my best friends, who I love so much! Obrigado por tudo Ju…Parabéns do fundo do coração do teu “paizinho”…sabes que te amo.

Tonight I am sad because somebody I knew died…suddenly…she decided to die. I will miss you so much…I already do.

Tonight I got scared because somebody pointed a gun at me, from another car, while I was driving…I felt how my life can become someone else’s possession…or not! This time it didn’t.

Tonight I sent you 2 stupid messages…I’m scared, because I miss you. Tonight I wrote you "Amo-te" and I got.............

I.M.H. …without being able to define the exact feeling. I’m frozen…I’m cold. Tonight I’m alone and I want to stay like that...but at the same time I want to share all this with all of you.

Tonight I'm listening to a “Persian Love Song” and “Sanvean”, by Lisa Gerard, very loud on my headphones…in repeat.

Driving on a week grid.

2005-12-07T04:07:00.000Z

"Week Grid"

All pictures by I.M.H. for Time Fractions

Are there really hard times as we perceive them as so?...This was a hard week, but it's over and another one is starting.

Well here I present a picture grid of the last week…most pictures from tonight.
Oporto, 22h05m, Casa da Musica, on the 6th of December 2005, dEUS walk on stage. Previously, at about 19h10m in the FNAC forum of the Norteshopping, they performed acoustically…
Afterwards, at about 00h40m of the 7th of December of 2005, I start a trip towards south. Lisbon, to be more accurate (arrival: 03h06m). Good music bursting out of the stereo and a night drive…how I love to drive at night listening to music getting under my skin…

Driving song: “If you don’t get what you want” dEUS perform on Pocket Revolution.
Lyrics available on: http://www.hotellounge.com/songs/ifyoudont.htm

I.M.H. driving…

Unison

2005-12-06T02:56:00.000Z

Hoy he empezado a leer un nuevo libro... no sé si es bueno. Sé intitula “Madrid me mata” de Alfredo Hervías y Mendizábal.

Hoy escribo en castellano, porque me apetece...por la historia del libro pasar por Madrid...no es la primera vez que lo hago, pero quiero hacer una referencia a todas esas personas que tanto quiero, de Valencia a Barcelona, pasando por Madrid. A mi "hermanita" (prima, tía...lo que sea) en Villaolon (Valladolid): Te quiero y te hecho de menos.

También me gustaría hacer aquí una referencia directa a esas tres personas (A. & N. + I.)* que me ha encantado conocer. Fue hace un par de semanas. Me sentí muy a gusto con vosotros (mismo que solo haya sido por unas horas). Una ciudad española mas para añadir a mi mapa: Sevilla.

Sabéis cuanto os quiero a todos, y nunca olvidéis: 1 = 2 cuando 2 + 2 = 5.
X.

Os dedico a TODOS esta canción de Bjork, del disco “Vespertine”: Unison

* Casi nunca hago referencia directa al nombre de las personas, pero sabéis quien sois.

Puppet in a box...

2005-12-05T01:08:00.000Z

Front cover of the book: “Jean-Paul Goude: So Far, so Goude” by Patrick Mauries

Edition Assouline, October 2005

Ok, I’m listening to “Takk”*…again…I know there are other records, other bands, but I cannot avoid choosing this record as the one to listen to now.

“Glosoli” just started playing and here I go.
Suddenly, I realized how thinking I was open to the outside, I had closed my self in my inside sphere. I was closed in a box, away from someone, from me…
I let myself be such a “Doll” sometimes…because I love…and I love to love and drown in the way I love because I give everything for the love I believe in swallowing me and others in it. And yes it’s you I love. bERTA _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ...and it's with you I would like to drown my self into and become one. Distance does not give me distance.

On the other side, I see people drowning in themselves. I see a dear friend of mine swallow himself in an autophagic manner and I can just silently scream in anger because I evolve such painful feelings....because I love him.
Yes, today I can say I’m sad…I’m sad because of some close relationships being swallowed for some superficial avoidance (I'm not talking about yOU). And my sphere roles…roles on bumps, but confident I made the right moves…even I feel so misunderstood sometimes, I know I did what my conscious is based on: honesty. I’m in a box but I can still move.

We all want more…what we have is never enough…but I try just to get more out of my self and give it to others, because I’m nothing without you and I know I’m little parts in everyone of you.

Love you,
I.M.H. ("Sê Lest"…“here I ear: “Uhh, I love you”)

P.S. – Can’t imagine how hard it is for me to maintain silence with you, but it’s not impossible. But respect for me means respect. My urge to write you a simple message becomes unbreathable, so I write it here. I listen to "Gong" and......................................................and it's our hidden moment.

* "Takk" is a record by Sigur Rós and the entire post was written, edited and published while listening to it. So all songs mentioned here are from that album. Thanks for reading.

That was (and is) my veil...

2005-12-03T13:24:00.000Z

http://www.anime-bg.dir.bg/images/small_chmploo.jpg
Retrieved on the 3rd of December 2005 at 05h37m.

And I patiently wait, with my sword resting on my shoulder...but the blade carves into my flesh.

Thanks to the ones that were there for me last night…that are going to be with me today…because you know that some of this hard days are crossroads from long years ago that sometimes reappear…because you make space for me to breath, for my sphere to keep rolling. Last night, especially M. (even you pierced some well deserved needles into my heart last night) and Curly Sue, of course!

I.M.H. with killer Oedipus drifts…drifts that are transformed into guitar screams.

Musashi...

2005-11-30T12:17:00.000Z

Origin: http://www.pictures.animeambition.com/albums/pictures/gifs/samuraigif1.gif

Retrieved on 30th November 2005 at 12h19m

Once you called me your "Portuguese Musashi"...

I'm fighting to still be it!

From me to you...

2005-11-29T10:36:00.000Z

For you. Because I LOVE YOU

Origin: http://www.animeambition.com/video2.gif

Retrived on the 29th of November 2005 at 10h43m

Why no words may be necessary?

2005-11-28T14:30:00.000Z

This is the movie I mentioned in my previous post. (and how I would have loved to have seen it with yOU. Maybe some other day)
I don’t care how others think how good or bad it may be, to me it’s another very good Kim Ki-Duk movie (by "others" I mean people who aren't close to my sphere, of course I care what all of you think). I want to see it again…soon. NO WORDS ARE NECESSARY. I was hit by the 3-iron (even I play better with the 7-iron).

I.M.H.

No words are necessary...

2005-11-28T03:25:00.000Z

Picture of and by I.M.H. for Time Fractions

Today I saw a movie that once more showed me that sometimes words say too much…sometimes we just have to feel, look, smell, touch…gently.

And I do it at the sound of Lisa Gerrard, The Mirror Pool …“Sanvean” of course for you, because I’m smiling with you every time you enjoy every single moment of your present existence. I miss you…but I’m so happy because I nearly can feel you smile from here...do you want to feel me smile for you? Look into my eyes, they say much more than my words.

I.M.H.

P.S. - It’s not the exact picture…but it’s the closest to what I wanted to show.

I've been writing too much!

2005-11-26T06:58:00.000Z

RESPECT

Silent I.M.H.

Big Missed-take...

2005-11-26T05:24:00.000Z

Post removed by I.M.H.

Notes unhidden and hidden for an enchanted samurai...

2005-11-25T02:48:00.000Z

Post removed by I.M.H.

Explanations for silence.

2005-11-24T03:18:00.000Z

Photograph by I.M.H. and Time Fractions

Sigur Rós concert, Lisbon, Coliseu dos Recreios, 20 November 2005

I don’t want to be misunderstood…my past post is something I’ve been thinking about for quite a while, cause I believe I have a problem managing with silence and patience in certain circumstances…i want everything right now and here.

At the same time, I am fascinated by silence as whatever it can be…the perception of silence, does it really exist? And that is why I wrote that previous post.
Of course, the distance and the silence that becomes from that I can not deny it makes me miss yOU…but I think I can handle it by making myself believe it’s necessary!

Still about the amazing Sunday night concert, that also had amazing perceptual silences (but not emotional ones) I want to leave this picture here…

I.M.H.

Silence can be.

2005-11-23T02:08:00.000Z

Silence can be…TAKK
Silence can be peace…silence can be reflection…silence can be distance…silence can be absence…silence can be noise…silence can be me…silence can be you…it can mean everything or just nothing…silence can be a moment…silence can become eternal…silence can be space…silence can be looked at…silence can become anxiety…silence can become smiley…silence can be cold…silence can be so warm…silence can be presence…silence can be lOVE…silence can be hate…silence can be doubt…silence can be certainty…silence can be comfortable…silence can be disturbing…silence can be music…silence can be visual…silence can be smelled…silence can be touched…silence can be reached…silence can become unreachable…silence can be paused…silence can be broken…silence can be heard (or that is not silence?)…silence can be chill…silence can come in every colour…silence can be rain, sea bottom, sunny or thunderstorm…silence I want to hear, silence I do not want to feel…silence I want to shout…but silence I want to respect.
“SILENCE CAN BE VIOLENCE” Zack de la Rocha

I.M.H.

P.S. – Takk X. pelo coment de ontem à noite. Abraço-te.

P.S. – Sigur Rós: Lisbon, Sunday, 20th November 2005, Coliseu dos Recreios, 22h00m until 23h59m. One of the most amazing concerts of my life, if not the most amazing emotionally…Here I felt one of the most amazing silences of my life…I just started crying (literally) while I’m writing this sentence, and I can not stop…I don’t know why! I’m not sad…I’m not happy…I’m just amazed and overwhelmed emotionally by the force, the power of this music. Of course, yOU were there with me and the consequence that had on me I can not measure. Takk to Sigur Rós for making all this emotions possible.
To all of you I dedicate: “Saeglopur” from the album Takk.
To yOU I dedicate “Ny Batteri” from the album Agaetis Byrjun.

A carta que escrevi para ti "b".

2005-11-19T04:17:00.000Z

Hoje escrevi-te uma carta que guardo para quando ma pedires. AMO-TE bERTA, e apetece-me grita-lo ao mundo, mas digo-o de forma escondida.

Xavier

An enchanted samurais sword.

2005-11-16T01:32:00.000Z

A Samurais Swords gently cuts the air into two parts…
My head hurts like it hadn’t done for the past year…something went wrong last night so I gained this state of physical pain…
I can not sleep…I am warm and cold at the same time.
I would like to cut my head off with a samurai’s sword so I could get rid of this pain…
My sphere is being cut into several pieces (in a positive way I'm discovering parts and sides of the sphere I did not know existed)…I’m lost into someone…someone that is so special, so unique…………someone I love.

Well, I have no physical availability to continue writing…sorry for being so silent and absent, but I don’t know where I am…

I.M.H. in physical pain…

Monday Daylight Crash

2005-11-07T13:53:00.000Z

I’m tired…physically, psychologically…don’t miss understand me, all this is due to some work I have been doing…nothing to do with tiredness of life, of whatever depressive state this might be misunderstood for.
The spheres are rolling, and rolling, in amore independent way…I feel more distance of everyone…I feel not looser, but more distant, with no will to communicate so much…I also don’t have much to say…
On the other hand, my sphere feels heavier…not so unstable…and that makes me see things the other way…
What can I tell every one of you that you mostly haven’t realized by reading this past posts! That my heart beats for someone that has rocked my sphere in every direction…I don’t want to talk about this here, because all I feel belongs to me and you, yes you! But it mostly feels good!
So I’m leaving my blog more silent…due to a lot of factors…even I feel I want to write about a lot of things, some of them are so personal that I can not make them public…when all this is digested and stabilized, I will think how it all affected the spheres movement and existence.

A daylight I.M.H.

P.S. – Antony’s concert one week ago was not amazing, but was very good of course…on the other side, Seu Jorge was emotionally amazing…really CRU!

To you I dedicate The Rapture...yes, I'm dedicating it to you "b".

2005-10-25T03:10:00.000+01:00

Picture by Jonas Bendiksen

Taken from http://www.magnumphotos.com/ on the 25th of October 2005 at 3h13m a.m.

“I hope there is someone…” Antony sings in I’m a bird now
In a week I believe I’ll be in complete exhale after listening to this incredibly but so positively disturbing performer that simple embraces my senses with such deep feelings that I will never be able to express, just fell.

23 hours ago, I took all I had and used the word in my “fathertongue” that simple resumes the most amazing feelings I can evolve for someone. How heavy words can become in our existence, but how heavy can we make this words appear for someone else as saying and using it means so much to us (cause I barely used it in my life, at least with this meaning)…

For years I’ve used written words to communicate, as I thought it was a correct way of functioning, so pure as my existence…but a huge friend confronted me with the fact of all this being thought and weightned…how un-spontaneous it can be…how rational and un-emotional, and now her words make so much sense to me. On the other side, this is a way of throwing out in the world all I feel in a subjective way…all I am feeling, trying to reach out persons or person…
I wanted to publish a specific picture I composed, but I reserve it for our privacy, cause I made it for you…so here stays a picture from a photographer I recently got to know and recommend to visit his site http://www.jonasbendiksen.com/ accompanied by the song of Antony and The Johnsons: Man is the baby (the white spots on the picture are butterflies).

I.M.H.

P.S. – And Killa, let me dedicate you Bird Girl performed by Antony and The Johnsons, just because I feel like. I dedicate it to you and to me too.

"The Rapture" is performed by Antony and The Johnsons in the album Shirley and Dolly Collings

I can fly...but I want to fly with her.

2005-10-20T01:17:00.000+01:00

The rain in dropping in a diluvium way outside...I love rain, mostly when I’m listening to music on my headphones and stand outside feeling every drop that falls on my face...
Listening to this song, so many times “vandalized” on the radio, simply makes me feel like I’m jumping off buildings (“Gabriel” performed by Lamb).

So I have not much to tell all of you, only that my sphere is stuck in-between everything and nothing…I wish I could fell that everything is in it’s right place, but it’s not…I can not love you the way I wanted cause you don’t want that right now…and I wanted to give you so much. And I wanted to make us feel so free…but all this is just between us and not this blog world. Lets just dance...

For all of you that come around here and w.a.s.t.e. your time reading this, I can only thank you for spending time here, even this past month I do not have much to say. Right now I just want to feel the rain on my naked skin…
Love you all for being there for me…

Imploding the Mutants Hysteria

Weather...

2005-10-13T02:50:00.000+01:00

Time is passing by…and I’m revealing less F.E.A.R….and I think which spheres are coming closer to me…I realize who I have and who I don’t have with me…some are so close that I’m not able to see them. Others I gently pull closer to feel them…some are afraid of my sphere, sometimes I’m so afraid of my sphere not knowing why.

But I’m gaining something…The river swallowed a lot of me the past two days…I haven’t slept much in the past nights. Life has been testing my limits and reliability and capacity of resistance in between the strongest emotions and weather changes. I’m still standing, like a dead tree…………………

Thanks to all of you. M. & J. I was specially touched by your testimonials…you can’t believe how important you both are to me…Killa, for just being there being yourself…AGGA for making it all worth, for being yourselves. A., the Orion connection, you know how much I love you.
And you, yes you…let me embrace you and feel the Lamb...and dance, dance in the middle of the desert while the night takes over and the sand feathers around us.

I.M.H., a very tired one…but fulfilled one for having you all.

P.S. – Patrick Wolfs, “Weather” I dedicate to all of you, performed on the album: Wind in the Wires.

Disintegration...and The Lake *

2005-10-03T01:39:00.001+01:00

Photograph by I.M.H. and Time Fractions

What lies behind the curtain? I’ll never know if I don’t look…so much light coming out of there…but what kind of light? Will it illuminate me or, on the other side, blind me? The fear of blinding makes me avoid the possibility of illuminating…so I usually choose the safest path, focusing on the possibility of mistake and not on the possibility of success. But I smile, because as the curtains dance in the wind and sweetly ask me to peep inside, I glimpse at what possible awaits me through that half open door…shadows that dance and giggle…one day I’ll reach the last song of the album and I wish I can only say I saw what was behind the curtain…while another smoothly dances in the night, with another kind of light…“Untitled”, performed by The Cure is playing on my headphones right now…and I hope you are already profoundly sleeping while this track is playing and I move towards the last night smoke, where I will be listening to “Tulips” and “Two More Years” performed by Bloc Party.

I.M.H.

* "The Lake" is performed by the Antony and the Johnsons

"Special needs" - Placebo

2005-10-01T03:44:00.000+01:00

3h36m a.am….I’m a bit drunk and listening to We’ll Float performed by Polly Jean Harvey in repeat…and of course I can think of nothing but you…cause I would like to taste you while listening to this…but instead, I taste silence and air…like my ex-soulmate told me: everyone has what it deserves!

“But one day, we’ll float, take love as it comes!”…and I took it but stumbled on it cause I’m too immature to handle it with distance!

Me wanting you...with distance and silence. I.M.H. - "Remember me? Special needs, suckers dreams(...)" Brian Molko sings in Special Needs but what i really wanted to dedicate to you was the song: "Without you I'm nothing" not that i believe in the title but because it's one of the most amazing songs ever written, for me.

I wish...for this Landslide to not hit rock bottom, just sea level.

2005-09-30T22:28:00.000+01:00

Source: www.publico.clix.pt Foto: J.Pat Carter/AP

20st September 2005 at 22h39m

The blast of water that drown us in the moment of desperation…I want to drown with my headphones on, listening to a certain tune…that certain tune. “Two more years”, performed by Bloc Party right now and that I dedicate to you, yes you...
“Kick In My Heart” performed by Gliss on their debut EP…I like the title, but it’s not the right tune…so I’m going to change it.
But when I say I want to drown, my aim is not to asphyxiate, but the dive underwater and float, drift away, with my headphones on…in a blue world, where I swim around in my little sphere, like I would be in a crystal ball submarine. Disintegration, the entire album by The Cure is what I would really like to listen to now. But I don’t have it right here, so I always want what I don’t have (So Genetic World by Telepopmusic is playing. "Just Breath", she sings)…an unbalanced behaviour of my body/mind/soul for the past days, that becomes obsessive by the urge to control. Like imagining I can control the impact of a wave that is just too big to ride.

So here is “Takk”, by Sigur Rós…probably the album of the month for me for several reasons as most of you already noticed while waggling around this blog. When I created this miniscule place on the World Wide Web, I had no idea how in certain moments I would really Implode and Mutate into my Hysteria…I try not to judge my self, but sometimes it becomes inevitable, as I puke when I look over my shoulder and see how I behaved…but on the other hand that’s me…in a pure anxiety stade due to the feeling of loosing everything I wished for at that right moment in time. I feel I had it but I lost it due to my stupidity...
I feel I’ve been pushing myslef off centre to block the sphere’s movement…banging myself against the wall in the opposite direction of its movement to see if it slows down for a while…but that block is only a provocation of a little part of me, cause the entire sphere is me…and I’m bumping into other spheres sometimes…am I going to burst? I don’t think so! It’s just another Landslide I threw my entire self into…I may burst, crash, even break, but I will not stop breathing even if all this happens under water. But right now it hurts and aches.

I.M.H.

P.S. – I wish for rain…I wish for wind…I wish for a thunderstorm…I wish for a typhoon. I wish for the weather to change…

Realizations of a “New Year”

2005-09-28T19:28:00.000+01:00

Silence has taken over this blog for some time now…on purpose? Maybe sometimes…my sphere has been riding a very unstable rollercoaster were I’ve had difficulty to hang on to…I jumped of the moving train into a rollercoaster. But what more can someone wish for than extreme feelings, stomach aches, heart cravings and mind floatings!?

I’ve realized how immature I am in the past week…how dreamy my world is…how happy I can be with few, and how unhappy I can become when that little, but at the same time so big piece of the puzzle, is missing!

The past weeks have also been of structuring the past, getting in contact with it…realizing what I was, what I’ve learned, what I still fall into…stumble with happiness and at the end smile. Past Saturday, someone very special told me: At the end, what matters are the people! This may seem a casual sentence if it wasn’t with the intensity she told me…and it means what it means…nothing besides it, just that, loud and clear.

For me, the year always starts around now! September-October…maybe that is due to the child I am and the bonding I have with school!
So now I tell you, I’m in a new year…a hard one I feel…nothing is crucial, but it will be quite determinant for my existence…
And, as all that matters are the people, I would like to thank you all, from north to south, passing through the center and over the border! I love some of you so much that I would kiss you on the lips. Thanks for being there.

I.M.H.

P.S. – I’m still being as honest as I can…but it's so hard when apparently I can loose everything I now mostly wish for.

From me to you: Takk

2005-09-18T05:58:00.000+01:00

Everything blossoms as everything reaches its right place.
From today on, I feel we’ve become one as we fused our sincerity into the importance of our existence for eachother…

I do not want to say much, just that I want to thank you, yes you, for existing…for making me smile at this time of day and life…for being you and letting me meet that you…its hard to avoid falling in love with you but I will do it, if that is what matters for everything that just happened to be maintained.

From me to you…no I.M.H….no Talkshow Host…no X. Just me.

P.S. - Eternally, the album Takk by Sigur Rós has now for me a picture in time, and that is you.

We float...apart.

2005-09-14T01:40:00.000+01:00

The world turns and keeps on turning. And as we stop it’s like jumping of a moving train as we hit the floor, our body goes forward and hits the ground with all its strength. As we try to stand up, it all depends on the scars we acquire on our hands and knees. No, I didn’t jump of a moving train, yet! But I have to choose a place or moment to jump…the problem right now is that it appears that it’s gaining speed…maybe later it will slow down…maybe he is just reaching cruise-control. Maybe he’s standing still and I have the illusion that he is moving…maybe it’s just me listening to “Talkshow Host” performed by Radiohead…and wanting to float…in confidence…with you…so that we’ll float (Performed by PJ Harvey on the album “Stories from the cities. Stories from the sea.”) as I try to grow up and out of my teenage stupidities. Today you made me see: Oh I have to let the train ride…jump of and on and of and on so I can reach something…something minimally mature.

I.M.H. the infinite child trying to lisen to its mentors but the music is playing too loud.

I passed it on to...

2005-09-11T02:54:00.000+01:00

The silence always drawn into words of screams inside a world with no air and where sound waves are not able to develop. The inside of the sphere is only audible to the inside itself, while an outside scream becomes known as far as the waves can go…
But while silence sometimes means more then a dictionary full of words, the scream we want to expel demands always a balance between reason and emotion…I’m more fond of emotion than reason, even I use my reason to sharpen my emotions and my emotions to proceed with my reasoning…so again the balance of the unbalanced moment trying to maintain it’s homeostatic balance rebalances itself into harmonic-unbalanced-chaos.

So simple words pull me back to my pleasant unbalance moment, while other, or the absence of them takes me towards chaotic-unorganized-balanced (the order of this words may be changed but they might not mean the same…but may represent better what you feel…yes you, all of you that read this ****).

I’m trying to balanced myself into the centre of this chaotic sphere, building on this fresh and new “Pocket Revolution” performed by dEUS…
Thanks for visually absorbing my words.

I.M.H.

Paranoid writing.

2005-09-02T01:33:00.000+01:00

“You are waiting for the moment, but the moment doesn’t exist! The moment existed!”
Two days ago I suddenly spitted out this sentence while talking to a Killo! It matches my previous post of Is this is? -> no, that WAS it!
So I am always trying to imagine what is uncertain when the only thing I can really analyse is the past, cause the future may be near but is still not here! I’m wished I could be hunting for secrets tonight and hunt those demons…against demons…so I am going to listen AGAINST DEMONS…cause I want to be born again, and you are helping my rebirth! I have no idea how all this is going to develop, but right now I feel great just listening to your voice…reading words you write me…communicating…

We should be able to dance unexpectedly, in the middle of the night by lunar lightning at the rhythm of our breathing…how I feel childish landing nowhere and shouting silent screams into nothing, just to be read by everyone.
September…what does September have to me? Nothing I suppose, but when we want we can make correlations out of every single stupid obvious past moment, for the same reason we can uncorrelated everything…lets all listen to this “Paranoid Android”…but we will all finish at the “Exit Music (for a film)” Both songs performed by Radiohead on the album O.K. Computer.

I don’t feel the ability to write today even having so much to say…maybe because tonight I’m more of a X, that suddenly turns into a Talkshow Host but has few of this Imploding Mutant Hysteria….thanks to all of you for reading this anyway and for making my life so intresting…love you all!

I recommend the whole album to all of you, just as a flashback!

Is this it?

2005-08-24T03:08:00.000+01:00

Could this be it? Could this moment mean everything and nothing at the same time…the beginning of something that just ended, or the end of something that begun…are there moments?…create moments, and tonight I wished I could create one but I’m physically away…I could still create it by erasing my subjectivity and becoming clear to everyone I’m trying to reach out too…things that appear so beautiful may collapse so suddenly into nothing…I want to shout but I really feel speechless and not even my hands desire to scream it out.
Of course that by not creating a moment, I’m maintaining one that has been created! The sphere in it’s perfect action. The soil is slick, but not too fast…I’m not centred but I don’t desire do destroy this homeostasis…this apparent balanced that exists between me and some spheres that have become closer…closer by the proximity I built, or by the proximity they’ve let me gain…but yes, I’m responsible for my actions and situations around me, not completely cause all moments depend of every piece that integrates it as every piece contributes to the whole balance.
So this unbalance you, and you…yes and you, but not you, lead me towards this balance that, as days go by I become more unbalanced…yes I would love to dance and rebalance! Do you want to dance?

Imploding into an unbalanced Mutant of elliptic spheres Hysteria…under influence of the not yet released Sigur Rós album “Takk”…yes I’m back, the holidays are over and I just wished Fall was here so we could cuddle warmly into eachother while dreaming physically distant (really distant). Yes, I’m talking to you…yes you, but you too…and you that I miss so much…and I miss you too! But not you!

So I conclude: This is not it! There is no "this"…there is only a: THAT WAS IT!

Isn't it everyone's fault?

2005-08-23T14:43:00.000+01:00

Could i write about something different if it’s just our daily torment for the past 5 days! Yes, and I mean “our” because it’s not only my concern or preoccupation!
For the past days, fire has been surrounding the northern town of Portugal, Viana do Castelo. No end appears to be near…rain, as most of us repulse during summertime, doesn’t want to show up…of course, it’s not her season!
But “why?”, most of us ask! Is there an answer…fear absorb us as we imagine to lose everything in minutes…everyone has a solution but there are few who really do something…everyone has someone to accuse, as there are few who look at what they did wrong! No-one feels responsible, but aren’t we all responsible? I responsible for my fear as I’m also responsible for my happiness, my hunger, my itching, my love, my tears…my existence…It’s not the time to let fear paralyse…it’s the time for fear to help us act in a positive way!
Isn’t it everyone’s fault as no-one realises that nothing is in it’s right place!

Past month has been amazing and really fulfilling…and of course it couldn’t end with stability cause every energy tends to homeostasis, and my sphere was just floating to far away into lunar eclipse…now I’m close to step on lunar soil!

This is a daylight post…This is a reflection I.M.H….not really imploding!

The Thorn Birds

2005-08-09T20:19:00.000+01:00

“ O tempo parou de bater e pôs-se a fluir, arremessou-se a ele até perder o significado, transmudado na profundidade de uma dimensão mais real do que o tempo real. Ele sentia-a e, no entanto, não a sentia, pelo menos não a sentia como entidade separada; desejando fazer dela finalmente e para sempre uma simbiose em que ela figurasse como elemento distinto.” (p. 367)

“Dizem os Gregos que é pecar contra os deuses amar alguma coisa mais do que manda a razão. E lembra-se do que eles contam quando alguém é amado assim? Que os deuses invejosos, abatem o objecto desse amor na plenitude da sua força!” (p. 374)

McCullough, C. (1977). Pássaros Feridos (5ª ed.). Trad. O. M. Cajado. Viseu: Livraria Bertrand/Difel.

No written thoughts just reflections emerged from current reading.
I will leave you with this words, expecting everyone absorbs the essence, of this book I am very pleased to be currently reading, in his/her unike way (In English it’s called “The Thorn Birds” by Colleen McCullough). Probably they represent more to me than any post I could write now.

Thanks for thinking,

I.M.H. (a daylight expression)

Did time stop?

2005-08-03T02:10:00.000+01:00

Picture by: I.M.H. in a Time Fraction

Well, I’m back…not completely but, I’m back…
“Don’t you feel like time stopped here?” Was the question Georges normally asked me every day of the 10 days into implosion…
Yes it did, cause now it’s like it was never there…like a picture in a frame where I appear but it all just felt like it was a dream (I don’t mean this in the sense of a perfect moment, just another moment).
Curiously there were things that accelerated my everything…moments…you…
As I watched time stop, I couldn’t believe how fast the past year went away…how so many things went on and nothing at the same time…I’m still lost as I was the same time last year, but now much more in control of my self, that I didn’t know 365 days ago.

Sometimes we wish time to stop…some other times we just wished it ticked away quicker and quicker…looking for that miracle drug, I found there is none but myself and every sphere I see myself in and that looks at me to reflect its existence…we suck eachother dry while we make ourselves more fulfilled from what we get from others…
We are nothing without others, and others maybe something without us, but they’ll always need someone…sometimes I just wished that someone was me to make your time stop…
So, don’t you feel like time stopped here? Can I make your time stop? I wish I could do more than just slow it down.

While time stopped I remembered how i love you all so much.

I.M.H. is imploding after recharging…tidal waves rock my shell but it got thicker and more resistant, I just hope it doesn’t get insensitive with the outside of the sphere…

Temporary Hysterical SILENCE

2005-07-20T03:46:00.000+01:00

I’m leaving for a 10 day implosion…so i don’t believe this blog will be refreshed with new posts very soon.
Take care all of you…

Implode into your Mutating Hysterias

Justificações incoerentes...

2005-07-18T01:13:00.000+01:00

Após alguma pressão subtil e diversificada, submeto-me ao evidente desabafo na minha língua paterna e da qual sofro de alguma dislalia, segundo entendidos e não hesitem em corrigir-me se me equivoco na classe exacta e representativa da minha disfunção da fala.

Foram alguns os meses em que perdurou a minha resistência em manifestar-me no idioma de Camões, contudo, isto não se deve a uma casmurrice minha, mas sim a um simples sentimento. Sim, aquele aspecto da essência humana que acompanha todas as nossas vivências e do qual incontornávelmente não nos conseguimos desvincular. A razão exige que a minha expressão se dê no idioma que mais domino, contudo, nos últimos dias e em momentos subtis de pouca estimulação extrapreceptiva a não ser a do meu metabolismo cerebral em stand-by, tentei procurar uma resposta para a minha tendência de escrever, quando me designo como I.M.H., na língua de Shakespeare. Obviamente que não estava à espera de encontrar uma resposta absoluta e inequívoca que representasse a verdadeira razão única e pura desta minha atracção...no entanto, vários aspectos se evidenciam. Este blog, mesmo que tenha uma grande vontade de racionalizar aspectos associados à emoção, baseia-se essencialmente sobre as minhas emoções asssociadas a percepções que tenhode vários aspectos e momentos da minha futil existência quotidiana (futil: não num sentido de “coitadinho, ninguém me liga”, mas sim num sentido de somos mesmo um grão de areia neste deserto e não me acho minimamente mais relevante que qualquer outro ser humano...somos todos contínuos existenciais – as tais esferas elípticas - com relevância presente e extemporânea, mas tudo restabelece a sua homeostase, como ou sem a nossa presença. Vive-se na esperança da imortalidade, porque não nos conseguimos conceber como seres finitos). Continuando: Todas as minhas experiências iniciais de consciencialização de emoções e tomada de conhecimento das mesmas, deram-se, numa fase de intensa comunicação em Inglês sobre estes aspectos. Simultaneamente, toda a musica que ouvia e ouço (de origem anglo-saxonica em 99,99% das vezes) transpõem-se em projecções de descoberta e sustento existencial...esta tornou-se essencial para o respirar deste espaço. Há ainda um terceiro aspecto, que não deixa de ser um dos mais relevantes: todas as pessoas, que vivem em outros países sem ser Portugal e que não falam Português e às quais também quero que cheguem estas palavras. Irremediavelmente, o Inglês é a actual língua mundial (acho que universal é demasiado egocêntrico como classificação), sendo a única forma de conseguir fazer chegar estas minhas palavras a TODOS...porque não somos nós os únicos...e sinceramente, porque gosto de escrever em inglês.
No entanto, não quero deixar de agradecer e enaltecer o esforço de alguns, em que mesmo contrariados, tentam chegar e compreender os posts que aqui publico.
Obrigado por lerem....

X.
P.S. – Sinto que as minhas palavras não atingem a mesma intensidade...sinto...que poderei racionalizar relativamente a isso: simplesmente sinto!

Ley de gravedad...

2005-07-13T04:13:00.000+01:00

Me...by Time Fractions

Esta canción de Ojos de Brujo (del album Vengue) la dedico a las personas con las cuales me he relacionado al largo de estés 9 meses y que han, de forma muy peculiar en un contexto muy particular, alterado rotaciones de mi esfera…si, son solo dos personas y a vosotras dos os doy las gracias por haber sido las personas que realmente sois. Os quiero de una forma muy particular por eso.

I have received direct and collateral comments about the depressive state this blog appears to transmit. Curiously, and honestly it is not the state of mind I.M.H. has been experiencing in the past months. The structure of the elliptic sphere…all my existential questions arise from one of the best functional moments of my life…discovery has been exiting my senses. Now, I.M.H. is not a really balanced character, in it’s writing…he is imploding, he is mutating, he is in hysteria, so don’t expect him to be balanced and joyful…but the only thing I can really raise is that “We always see in others a part of ourselves” now it just depends what part of you, you see in I.M.H.
Thanks for reading…the next post, I will return to I.M.H….this was just a clarification.

Me...si, "no necesito tener alas para volar" ("Ley de Gravedad" is a song performed by Ojos de Brujo en el album Vengue).

De ojos cerrados...mal cerrados...

2005-07-07T02:18:00.000+01:00

Después que el sol se ponga, yo me quedo helado con la sensación de que ya no pueda ver nada…pero normalmente hay aun alguna luz que me deja ver algo.
Como un pájaro que vuela muy alto y que decide bajar tranquilamente por el cielo azul en dirección al nada, yo te miro y cada vez estoy mas seguro que eres tu…porque veo tus colores, porque te veo, aun que tu no me mires o veas…si, porque yo también sueño contigo…no me dejas dormir, pero de cada vez que presiento algo tuyo, me haces sonreír aun que físicamente estas mas lejos.

The sun has awakened the gardens of the ideoteque castle. Now I can clearly see the labyrinth formed by the plants. The beautiful magnolias than point at the sky give a potent impression. But what mostly captures my attention is the garden of orchids…that sexual design of such a delicate flower demonstrates the outside-out strength of the creature. What I always found curious in this species of plant is that each one seems very particular…there are never two alike, probably like everything in the world…but this species of flower, each and single one appears to reveal its personality and peculiarity…so everybody can have one, the one that fulfils the most, but never completely, that’s why I keep looking at the other…there is a more exiting one, a calmer one, a colourful one, a sad one, a scary one, an angry one, a frustrated one, a specific one that just freezes me for some time…there is also a ghost orchid! And ghosts are what we make of them…
It’s a flower that survives harvest conditions, but at the same time is so delicate that we’ve to know its specificities to not loose it.
So do you want to freeze me? Let me be frozen by you…I want to be frozen by some of you…I like to be frozen by some of you, but more by you…yes you…the most exquisite orchid of the ideoteque castle orchid garden (from my perspective).

A happily but unnoticed frozen I.M.H. turf.

Lights of dawn to fade out

2005-07-01T01:32:00.000+01:00

The substance, the consequence…whatever that makes life seem more relevant or important…what is it really? You?...Me? Others? Things? I’m circling around nothing.
Everything and nothing at the same time…I’ve reached balance and complete physical tiredness. Am I on the edge of my physical exhaustion?...maybe not…
I doubt about what should move me and I never thought about what should keep me still. No movement is different of being still, but it’s not the same as being in movement…from a journey I started about a year ago, I found myself lost in others as in others I found my self…

I stepped out of the castle into the backyard gardens…it was dark and the breeze blowing in-between the leaves spooked the environment. I saw shadows of blinding white muses floating around. As I followed them around, they vanished or I couldn’t grab them because they were too high above my head…I simply petrified to their beauty and danced to the wind and the music sound-waves-leftovers banging from the castle…Oh, how I could endlessly look at all of you, but you all suddenly decided to evaporate, leaving me with a dream as the light of dawn fades away my perceptual illusions, erasing the breeze, the glitter and the shadows…erasing you.
So I should have grabbed it while it was still and now all this vanished. I’m left with what I had…or not? I gained a new world, a new image…a new you, even I am the same! I should have focussed more attention to what kept me still…instead of letting myself drawn in divagations of the movement.

I dedicate you all “How to disappear completely" performed by Radiohead in the album Kid A…“I’m not here! This isn’t happening” performed in this song listened while walking around the garden of an “Idioteque” castle. .

I.M.H.

Climbing up the walls...hey man(idiot), slow down!

2005-06-27T01:09:00.000+01:00

Photo by I.M.H.

Picture handeling by "Time Fractions"

Hiding behind my fears of illusion-perfectionism…
The way I move around sometimes disappoints even my self…my fear to fail drags me nowhere, because I’m more willing to maintain nothing than to lose something. All these doubts take me nowhere even when I want what I shouldn’t get…but it’s what apparently I shouldn’t get that should tell me yes or no, it’s not my will…I puke towards my cowardness…the inside-out is apparently so clear while the inside in is so foggy.
Yes, I want you, and you too…
Yes, I want to taste you and smell you closer…
Yes, I want to unfocuss my sight because I’m looking too close at you…
Yes, I want to listen to you breath as my hand slowly travels across your skin…
Yes, I want so many of you, that I don’t know who I want, so I’ll hide behind my hand.

I’m at ease, “(…)calm, fitter, happier…babies smiling in back seat…keep in contact with old friends…favours more favours…at a better pace…no self employed...do not cry in public…still cries at ugly film…still kisses with saliva…like a cat tied to a stick that’s driven into frozen winter shit…calm, fitter, healthier, more productive. A pig in a cage on antibiotics.” - Parts from “Fitter Happier” performed by Radiohead on the album Ok Computer.

This is real cowardness, sorry for wasting your (and my) time. I’m just CLIMBING UP THE WALLS.
I.M.H.

Celebate the moon

2005-06-23T02:20:00.000+01:00

Foto: Ross Hailey

Source: www.publico.clix.pt on the 22nd of June 2005 at 16h04m

The moon, has a dark side…but why call it dark just because it never sees the sun light? Why not call it unknown side, because the inside of the moon also never gets in contact with the sun light but it’s not called “dark”.
This moon exhales the past days and that is why it represents so well how they were: warm!
This grey satellite of our planet with huge subtle influence on our daily physiology implodes, in silent hysterical screams, major mutations…this blog only represents a side of the entire elliptic sphere that constitutes my self…it’s the reflection of a daily existence summarized and digested.
The absence of major light sources, more abundant at night transports me towards this other sides of whatever I am…of whatever I make myself believe you are, trying to touch your dark sides…the ones the light does not expose…that ones I want to gradually taste, to passively listen to, to gently caress, to slowly smell...and without seeing, I want to create an image of it. Maybe it’s the music I’m listening[(Sigur Ros, performing the album ( ) ]to that slows my visions…maybe it’s due to an email I received today from special bird with Spanish tints on its feathers…maybe it’s just my way of perceiving the outside-in.
Of course the celebration of the sun melts in the celebration of the moon, as the celebration of the moon melts in the celebration of the sun…and the sphere is gaining stability and consistency for a few hours…maybe just minutes…but it will maintain its search for all the inside in and out as it perceives the outside in and outs…thank you all for reading and maintaining this spinning tendency, over itself and the spinning of the axe.

I.M.H.

P.S. – A global post…not a particular one in the majority of aspects.

Celebrate the sun.

2005-06-22T04:23:00.000+01:00

Foto: Matt Dunham/AP at Stonehenge

Source: www.publico.clix.pt on the 21st of June 2005 at 14h47m

To celebrate the sun…to move towards it…to jump towards it…one of our greatest forms of energy, and without it, our species, as we know it, wouldn’t exist. At the same time it can kill us, burn us, blind us…like everything in life, too much of it will kill you.

I’m swallowed by feelings of dawdling…another cross road appears in my life as my elliptic sphere slowly perceives every possibility it can take…for the past years I can not achieve a long term stability in some variables in my life, demanding myself to change constantly. The liquid inside the sphere is dense, but everything outside happens so slowly and I feel no sphere close enough to perceive it…maybe it’s because my inside-in is reflecting too much of myself and not enough of the outside-in and at the same time I think I’m transmitting a fake inside-out. The surface is slippery and the dense liquid with low outside resistance makes an abrupt movement become incontrollable.

So I’m going to enjoy the sun and jump towards it.
I’m imploding into internal hysteria while all this mutations swallow me.

I.M.H.

P.S. – Are you listening to me or are this silent screams swallowed by my inside-in?

Plastic Flowers

2005-06-17T04:08:00.000+01:00

Time Fraction

Plastic flowers derived from a fake plastic tree…will they create fake plastic memories? Of course not…because they are not given as coming from a fake plastic tree…it’s not the flower that matters, but the gesture…but as simple as natural it seemed, I was very positively surprised by it…

The city exhales heat…the warm weather makes everything appears slower, as being part of the matrix movie…the smells become more intense…the light is more intense…the sounds more distant…my body gains sensations that demand a bigger attention…I'm sweating, I have to move slower. I have to look for shadows! I have to drink! More parts of my body hitch…and my mind is absorbed by all this small, but suddenly significant physiological functionalities! I feel like a cannonball floating (Copyright from Damien Rice’s song Cannonball). But I’m floating, even if it feels like a cannonball, and that’s what matters: to be able to float, not drag myself through every single moment. Let yourself float with me…
But at the same time I enjoy all this behaviours I observe in people…I like seeing them troubled with their bodies and those of others…I’m easy to please, cause I find amusement in nearly everything…but everything has to be in it’s right place. Twenty eight years took me right here…where will another twenty eight take me? Further away, but honestly I’m just concerned where tomorrow will take me…

Thanks for that flower in particular…
I.M.H.

P.S. – Of course sometimes I write specifically directed to somebody in particular, and in this post that is more than obvious…but not the entire post. Thanks for making me feel that you are being you when I'm with you...

A Day Fraction.

2005-06-13T00:01:00.000+01:00

No elliptic spheres...no gravity...no speed...no sound...no silence...no nothing...28 years ago, I was born on the 12th of June 1977...Just a date, nothing special or particular, but a process of giving me an independent body…from that moment, physically I became one, even not being aware of it at the beginning…my conception was about 9 moths before, but when did I start to role? Some time ago…………I don’t know and just sometimes I care about it.

Today I just want to thank everybody that spared some time to remember me and making this individual existence a more involving one, making me realise those physically and spiritually close spheres…all those that made me become me…it was not an amazing day, but it had its little flavours…the ones that make time stop!
To all my various friends, the aromatic ones, tasty ones, colourful ones, touchy ones and melodic ones…and maybe some kinetic ones, a very big and involving THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU ALL, for making me, me…and some of you made this day really special, even that some just took Time fractions!

I.M.H.

P.S. – Time fractions is not a measure, it’s a state of mind.

Mirrors and birds in a warm night in the city

2005-06-08T01:43:00.000+01:00

Am I such a dreamer? No I’m not…I’m surprised with my ability to percept reality in such a close to reality, as real as it can be.
The other day I was discussing sphere existence parameters with my close friend x-ina (djFFWD), and he alerted me for one thing: the walls of the elliptic sphere! This are constituted by several materials from inside to it’s outside, but in this world there are some preferential layers of covers, being mirrors the most evident construct. These mirrors can work in 4 dimensions: 1. Inside-in; 2. Inside-out; 3. Outside-in; 4. Outside-out.

So here I go rolling with my ellipse, turning my mirrors, my acrylic, my cement wall…….so many possible surfaces, like a chameleon, adapting himself to the environment, trying to blend but not always choosing the right costume…the situation is not only how we want to appear to others, it’s how we really appear, how other perceive the appearance/being/behaviour/(everything that constitutes the existence…lets call it whOLE) and what they extract from it…what I extract from my whOLE, what I want to exhale, to evidence, to reach, to breath, to see, to smell, to find, to touch, to grab…and what others let me…
This sphere is gaining so many dimensions, but I’m still not pleased with the end result…but as days go by, it appears to be more and more complete…another bird just appeared in my life, so unexpectedly, so significantly…so…so bird.

The city breaths a silky breeze through my window…the city is asleep, and I smoothly hang over the place I’ve fallen in love with…it grabbed my and passionately caresses my body as I float over it…the summer makes this nights so warm, but so pleasant…a year has passed, and what remains of everything that was is more of everything that would ever be…
Thanks for reading…really, thank you!

I.M.H.

P.S. – …and blue cigarette-package girls. You know who you are! No it's not you just because you are holding a blue cigarette-package.

“Sometimes a wind blows…And you and I, float in love, and kiss forever in a darkness. And the mysteries of love come clear. And dance in light in you, in me, and show that we are love.Sometimes a wind blows and the mysteries of love come clear.”
Mysteries of Love performed by Anthony and the Johnsons. Originally performed by Julee Cruise, written by David Lynch and Angelo Badalamenti. (I do not like to insert complete lyrics, but with this one it just felt the need to be complete, and not just a specific sentence!)

The Elliptic Sphere.

2005-06-02T02:58:00.000+01:00

Picture Handling and Photographer: I.M.H. & Time Fractions

I don’t want this picture to express a desperate state of mind, of feeling…it’s just a collage I’ve made…revelling a tunnel where my elliptic sphere is rolling! It’s a concept I want to introduce in this world I’m describing (I don’t believe I’m creating it cause I’m only metaphorically describing how I view my existence!) “Se alguém tocar o seu corpo como eu não diga nada!” Fernanda Porto sings in Electricidade.
Why I use this ellipse concept? I'm reading several things that showe me that various mathematicians consider the ellipse the perfect form, because the circle doesn’t exist…about an "elliptic sphere", the pleasant thing is the way I imagine it role on it’s deferent sides…like an egg rolling…it can role faster on the shortest radial diameter, or role slower on its biggest diameter and still make the same distance in the same time! So many possibilities, and what pleases me the most is the possibility of instability when the centre is completely off centre! Or depending on the surfaces…are you still with me? I just keep the word sphere because it pleases me, but from now on I’m referring to elliptic spheres.

The city breeze gently enters through the small holes in my window that is halfway open…while the city gently sleeps it smiles at me caressing my face and trying to disarm me constantly…so I let the guitar weep while I imagine nothing…
Today I noticed several things: First, that there are, of course, several blue cigarette packages girls in my life…Second, I took a look at my past. My past from eight, nine years ago…Billy took me back there and it’s no longer the same…Third (yesterday), Anthony disturbed me with his image, that to me seemed so incoherent with his music. Four, there are still a lot of different bird-situations present in my life…
So for the past days I’ve been going up and down the stairs of that castle not being able to choose a state of mind to stay in…all please me but none is exactly what I’m looking for…am I looking for you? It’s not me I’m looking for, I’m sure…but whom or what? Or maybe just when!
I’m pleasantly alive, even I’m not comfortably alive and sure not conformably!

I.M.H.

P.S. – This goes out to you…specifically to you, yes you…I hope you don’t mind, but I have my doubts you read this…even so, I would keep gently caressing you. Porque: “Você acelerou minha calma.” Fernanda Porto sings in Tudo de bom.

The Idioteque Castle

2005-05-25T01:59:00.000+01:00

Origin: www.publico.clix.pt (25 de Maio 2005, 1h57m)

Driving, all night long through a desert, in a desert road, with glittering stars in the sky and a swallowing full moon in front of me. I listen to the sound a guy in my stereo screams…a ghostly existence of my self…my imagination, inside my imagination, imagines how to change the course of this machine searching for the best outcome in a situation of disintegration…and she says hello…and I smile…and she turns around…and I keep smiling…ironically smiling and return to my driving.
As I reach a castle in the middle of nowhere…there are huge lights illuminating the building and the sky…the bottom part of the castle is all red, hells red, while the top tower glitters a calm-caribbean-ocean blue…two security guards wearing masks and black smocking receive me while saying: welcome to the sphere castle, let yourself role and be rolled…your stability depends on your instability!
I walk inside, let them park my car and I listen to a “Personal Jesus” by Depeche Mode performed by Marilyn Manson. So now I let your imagination produce what happens inside this castle…I’m sure you’re part of the story, but are you part of my story? Do you want to be part of my story? Do I want you to be part of my story? Maybe I’ll beg for you to come inside…an endless story as aromatic, colourful, melodic, tasty, erotically touchy friends make up the life of a sphere inside a castle and it’s outside gardens and surroundings…
As we enter this party in a new fascinating location, people wear all kind of masks, from medieval to futuristic costumes…some don’t wear a costume and others don’t wear anything at all. The drinks and substances are already making some effect but not taking you off the ground…the lights gain sound, the sound seems to smell, every smell seems to touch, every touch has a taste…I’m rolling…on level ZERO of the castle.
Now everything seems in its right place as 1=2 and 2+2=5. I am ready for Idioteque.

Hallucinating, as an Imploding Mutant silently screams Hysteria while trying (How) to disappear completely.

P.S. – This goes out to all of you with blue cigarette packages…Yes, now I would like to first gently caress you…very gently.
P.S. – The italic words/sentences in the text refer to Radiohead songs

The Origin of symetry

2005-05-22T04:20:00.000+01:00

Photographer: I.M.H.

Production: Time Fractions

From empty wings to empty airwaves…empty thoughts, movements, silence…I transport myself into fractions of time where everything appeared to be perfect and I was too coward to take the risk and be afraid to ruin the moment, the circumstance…our capability to perceive always heavier the negative circumstance in opposite to the positive outcome makes me become angry at myself…sometimes when we want everything we end up with nothing and nothing is always worst than something…

Some days ago I wrote than someone made me see how coward this way of expression can be, and is…it reveals the stupidity of some of my existence and how complaining is so easier than acting, than using the body in synchrony with the mind and make them be one and not retract the body when my mind pushes me in some direction.

So looking at this empty, blue, cigarette package and I travel through my imagination believing I will still have a chance to move and put the body where my mind wants it to be: all over you…where I believe I will be more pleased, but the problem is that it’s not only my sphere in this game, and if it goes wrong I cannot role it back to the starting grid…I feel like a car racer somewhere in the middle of the grid, in a race…I’ve already seen the green light but I can’t still move cause there are some cars in front of me…on the other side I see a gap between some cars and maybe I could reach the front of the race…all this thinking made me loose too much time and I lost the chance I had…so act and do not think…So many spheres, so many places to move, so many chaos, so much of all this things I like…so now I dedicate to you: “Space Dementia” and “Feeling good” performed by MUSE on the album The Origin of Symetry.

So I’m loosing symmetry when I need to gain it. Thanks for taking me of centre on purpose…and subtly shake my sphere from the outside with small movements...

I.M.H.

The sphere inside-out v.s. outside-in...

2005-05-18T00:52:00.000+01:00

The sphere that lives and floats in liquid…or maybe some other kind of substance (but I believe liquid gives a better impression of what I want to mean!). Dependant on the surface, of the movement, and now the substance it resides in…the inside liquid and the outside one…gaining centre in a thicker liquid is harder than in air…but if it is the inside of the sphere that is filled with a more dense substance makes it harder to gain centre when we are off it…if we are centred than it’s harder to get off centre, we have a bigger reaction time cause we will move slower, if it is the outside of the sphere that is swallowed in a thicker substance, that it’s harder to move around. The problem is two very different densities outside and inside…maybe the most difficult situation is to have a very dense inside, being off centre, and a very low resistance outside, making the things outside happen very fast that we have no time to react cause we’re fighting inside…of course this can become very positive, due to an incapability to act wrong…all the situations have positive and negative things…now I can imagine loads of possible outcomes for this situations with this different variables:
1) Being centre or off centre inside the sphere
2) The density of the substance that fills the inside of the sphere
a. This will also affect the variable speed while moving inside the sphere and the effort put into the movement.
3) The density of the substance that surrounds the sphere (this can be very different from other spheres, but normally one outside substance affects all the spheres that on a certain moment in time surround a certain sphere).
a. This will also affect the variable speed of the sphere, and the effort put in it to move in relation to the outside.
4) The surface where the sphere is moving on.

This is gaining more and more consistency…I’m pleased with it…cause I’m imploding while exploding into new mutations of my existence…I scream of positive hysteria…I want turbulence…“There is a space here, there is a void, I need to find a little more time, give me time!” Tom Barman sings in the song Dreamsequence #1 performed by dEUS on the album “The ideal crash”
Thanx for smiling at me and making me dream,

I.M.H.

Aromatic friends.

2005-05-13T02:32:00.000+01:00

The past days have swallowed my existence into divagations of the body, soul and mind…divagations of my interaction with the world, the way I move and the way my movements evolve in impact waves on everything that surrounds me and by itself is surrounded by something else…the feedback of that wave…the feedback I return to those answers I receive and consciously and unconsciously I reply. I truly believe I’ve evolved in some positive dimensions of other spheres existence…I feel it. On the other side this makes me more and more scared to move towards certain directions but at the moment I prefer to grab on what’s secure than to grab in the dark and lose myself in unstable hypothesis…my flatmate today revealed me that some of her friends she classifies as aromatic friends in opposition to colourful friends…to me it makes some sense this distinction because it just feels different…a colourful friend most of us know what it means, seems more secure and visual, knowing what I’m looking at, and what I want from that person is established…aromatic friends are not so certain, because I don’t really know what visually they means to me (as a complete dynamic picture of what a person is to me, not just an visual static image)…
Do we turn most of the things into visual images? I believe most of the people we do turn into an image but when they become aromatic, it gives us a sensation of insecurity, instability (that I treasure so much!) because we do not have a certain image of it…but on the other side these persons in my mind have more room for mystification and imagination. This expression puts a smile on my face cause it gives some sense to some people I couldn’t find a meaning for…physical attractions, super-ego blockades, intellectual stimulation, uncertain and fascinating worlds, always ready to surprise me, unexpected behaviours, always throwing new perfumes in the air…I can close my eyes and dance with them in the middle of an open field under a star filled sky illuminated by a full moon only following their aroma (“Mausam” performed by Nitin Sawhney in the album Philtre).
Thanks for exploding my world,

I.M.H.

P.S. - And now you ask: Is she one of those friends? No she isn't but the previous two you asked about were...and you are too!

Trouble With Dreams

2005-05-10T01:57:00.000+01:00

A glittering star showed me three days ago, in a letter she wrote me, how coward this way of expression can be...how I defend myself from failure by using only written words to communicate an ideal self that I’m not. I hide myself in this calculated and structured speech, visited and revisited in a way to hide my failures, imperfections and functional emptiness of my imagined perfect worlds…I hide my incoherence of the non verbal with the verbal speech: it’s in some way a way to hide my body language…my id-ego speech! I can only conclude that this is my greater form of super-ego talking, cause I’m nothing that I write here but at the same time I wished to be every word I express…dissociations of the mind from the body, as two different entities working alone but together at the same time.
So I hide myself from you…I fear you and your existence even desiring you…
I fear everyone of you, idealizing that you are really what I see and suppose you desire, and I am everything opposite to what I show you…some people stay as the way I first perceive them, other get worst and other get better, but I suppose I have the same effect on a lot of you.
Thanks for your royal wake up call from my pedestal,

A slow Mutant Hysteria Imploding (I took 3 days to write this post)…I was disarmed by a southern wind

Fake Plastic Trees

2005-05-01T02:52:00.000+01:00

I.M.H. - Photographer

Picture handling by "Time fractions"

I could walk around, lonely for days waiting for anything to fall out of the sky; like miracle drugs that provide unexpected sensations and lead me to new worlds…I’m drawn towards apathy this days…I feel like standing still, looking up at the sky and just let the birds fly me away in a late afternoon yellow-painted-sky!
I like to capture dead trees cause they are still standing after their life has been taken… they do not immediately surrender to the fatality of what life has pushed them into. Like a dead captain that after his troops have all been killed in a battlefield stands in front of the enemy knowing he is already dead but he is not giving up…small time fractions that reflect all the past ones...seconds that make the difference in feeling we are dying big or small.

All this comes from the fake plastic trees we see in our daily lives…the ones that melt and mould depending on what’s standing in from of them. So I ask for a Talkshow Host to scream his motto into my ears distracting my attention from what my eyes are wanting to see and my hands want to do (“Talkshow Host” performed by Radiohead as a b-side for the single Street spirit (fade out)).

It’s a night of paranoia where I want to destroy everything that disturbs me, and in an asphyxiating way, gently love everyone that pleases me mentally and physically…an orgy with all the ones I love and all those I desire to love…(those five chords are just hypnotising in this song)…

He was not able to distract my attention…he even focused it more…curious the reversed effect it had on me…probably my unconscious just sucked as a denial, what it really wanted to focus on. The sphere was, for a short time pushed into certain direction when I made the conscious decision to go the other way! This is what I like, the unexpected…I desire and vibrate on it…the obvious and unoriginal, at first, does not affect me, but as it becomes constant, it simply irritates me. There are persons who desire nothing else than pseudo-stability (because we are never stable)…I prefer being aware of the instability and even let myself sink in it and get surprised by the unexpected. Even so there are those whom just make my sphere jump of irritation due to their inability to be themselves and just surrender to the obvious.

Put a stop-no-stop on an Imploding Mutant turning into Hysteria.

Where i end and you begin!

2005-04-28T02:02:00.000+01:00

The spirits of ghosts wonder through me. My body and my mind leave me suspended in between daily wonders and moonlight nightmares, like a werewolf mutates during dusk and dawn! “You can scream, and you can shout! It’s too late now! Because you’ve not been paying attention!” Thom York sings in 2+2=5 from the album “Hail to the thief” performed by Radiohead.

Various ways of acting transmute my existence as I change scenario…I suppose we all change during the day (awaken state) adopting the postures (and I don’t mean only physically) that suit us the most…not all of them fit like gloves (I JUST KRANKED UP THE VOLUME TO THE MAXIMUM ON MY HEADPHONES), but there is always that one, that fits us the most and we know that with a few adjustments would become, even with its system failures, the best personality we could adopt…on the other side, while trying to be me I’m never really me…this is frightening due to the "mascara" I am always wearing: the persona! The persons we aspire to become are never those persons we imagine, and every person we know is not really what we make of him/her…as good as we know them, they are never equal to the image we build up in our head…so I sail myself up to the moon, look down and absorb myself as I do while looking at other persons…it’s really strange we can evaluate ourselves from the distance, but like every evaluation we are influenced by everything we are, imposing judgements and “sphere stabilizators” to maintain homeostasis, even dysfunctional ones…and what appears to be the worst is that while making auto-evaluations, I distort even more my perception avoiding destabilizations not being able to correct this system failures…and this incapability becomes even more petrified as closer we get to self and mental pathological states! So pathology seams more as an end-state than the beginning of something, because as we reach it, things become more irreversible!?
This records leads me towards other dimensions of my self...I would like to share this right now (1h55m a.m. – 28/05/2005) and let somebody’s else’s body and mind be re re-dimensioned like I’m doing with mine…I want a specific person and you can’t probably imagine who you are…someday you will…someday I will…mutating.
Thanks all for reading,

Hysteria during a Mutant Imploding…at his best…"Over my dead body" Thom York sings in Go to sleep in the same album performed by the same band

P.S. – And now you ask: And this one, would you fuck her? No, I would first like to gently caress her!

P.S. - "There! There!" Same band same album...

Suspended underwater screams...

2005-04-21T03:05:00.000+01:00

I.M.H. photographer and Pictures by: "Time fractions”

Trying to gain centre again…I just need to synchronize my different selves, suspended in different worlds, floating at an underwater speed!

Calm, Fitter, Happier, a pig in a cage on antibiotics…

2005-04-20T03:13:00.000+01:00

Today, there must have been an unparalleled arrangement of the universe because, my functioning feels so detuned, so distorted…
“Breath, keep breathing, I can’t do this alone…” Thom York sings in the amazing "Exit Music (For a film)" performed by Radiohead in OK Computer…curiously, this exit music, became the entrance theme for the novel I started to write but never finished…

The way my day evolved appeared to have started the wrong way due to a dream I had last night, that even the instances of my mind started to control, I was never able to abstract from it during the entire day…the image was always coming back, returning in a convulsive way, like I never really woke from the dream, knowing that it was only a dream and I was in what appeared to be the real world…maybe just another matrix…
For a long time I haven’t felt like this…I’ve been working on pictures of my body, dreaming of unsustainable worlds, realities that never gain consistency…do I know where I am, or where I’m going towards…for a moment there, I lost myself (“Karma Police”, performed by Radiohead in the album OK Computer)…I lost the notion of my sphere, I am stumbling in the bottom of it trying to gain centre inside a slowly moving uncontrolled sphere…the dream was a consequence and not a effect of all this chaos, that I can’t harmonize with. So things that seem to be effects, became causes and causes transform themselves in effects and consequently everything spins…but there are things that are pure consequences, and things that are pure effects, even those effects always have to have it’s genesis from something…it’s hard for the human mind to create a paradigm where something emerges from nothing….really nothing: Does this concept really exist: nothing, really nothing! Or is even something nothing?

A chaotic Mutant Imploding during Hysteria

P.S.1 - If you’re thinking it, I’ll answer you: Yes, I would fuck her! Because I’m climbing up the walls…open your skull, I’ll be there.
P.S.2 – Hole post written while listening to OK Computer, performed by Radiohead.

There should be some blood...like a light on the wall.

2005-04-16T02:27:00.000+01:00

Photographer: I.M.H. - Pictures and edition by: "Time Fractions"

“I'm ready, I'm ready for the laughing gas

I'm ready, I'm ready for what's next

I'm ready to duck - I'm ready to dive

I'm ready to say I'm glad to be alive

I'm ready, I'm ready for the push…”

Bono sings in Zoo station performed by U2 in the album – “Achtung baby”

The zoo I appear to live in, makes me shout out loud some of this words…
The city lights, on a Friday night become brighter as the first moments of a weekend start to tick...to tick away…everything looks so clear, as I start to gain posture of a moment that only reflects part of something we desire…like two times and moments in space, happening at the same time…the night we always imagine to be and the night that really happens, and only vaguely the true dream becomes reality. Do I raise my expectations too high? Maybe not, I just believe I always want more, and different, and better, I’m never pleased…at the moment I’m absorbed in a search for the “new and now” world…with no direction or dimension, discovering a jungle, aware of the dangers but curious to find new beauties and undiscovered spots whispered out by a hungry virgin that blinks to me with a inexperienced but consciously fulfilled with a provocative desirable smile (by my mind)…“Lisboa” - I whisper back…
The way I perceive music and movement in a way of isolation and interpretation of the actions of everything that surrounds me, has given me, in this city, a complete new perspective of everything…everything…a calmer perception of everything, because it enables me to view everything with a certain motion and rhythm that appears to be a better homeostasis…but it’s only my perception, not that of everyone else…I can only perceive through my senses and try to understand the perception of others, but I will never be able to have a complete equal mirror-image, touch, sounds, tastes, smells and feelings...I can leave you with mine.

A dancing I.M.H.

Somewhere else

2005-04-14T03:13:00.000+01:00

Today's post was written as a comment in a friends blog: http://wwwegomet.blogspot.com
The post is entitled: Glory box...look for the comments.

I.M.H.

...city wall painting...

2005-04-13T02:03:00.000+01:00

Still fractions of time that the city gave me...

I.M.H. photographer

Pictures by: "Time fractions"

...caleidoscópio de histórias passadas presentes...

2005-04-11T03:29:00.000+01:00

Is a fraction of a second do important in our lives?
Time, that notion created by mankind, may become so timeless sometimes…daily we make decisions that direct us towards goals, paths, objectives, places; but there are also moments, that we appear not to have a sudden notion of control…sometimes I wear a t-shirt that says: “The power stops at the barrel of a gun.”…from the moment that the bullet reaches that point in time/place, we lose power over the action we appear to be in control of. Once I felt I had lost that control in a very evident way…but I also felt that something changed the course of that bullet…I felt that I was lucky enough to have a second chance, something that we mostly never have after a decision is made and the action has already taken place. I don’t believe we have seven lives like cats…I believe that some persons do not even have one, but at least a second chance I had…this was more than eight years ago…loads of things changed inside and around me, but it feels like I’m getting a greater fulfilment of this next shot…was it the laws of physics? some spiritual force? whatever (I’m not going to discuss that), I do not fucking care but I got enough insight, and sometimes this insight is reminded to me, to look at everything from that new and different perspective…

Yes, there are fractions of seconds that are decisive in our lives…I do not control every one of them and, like most persons I know, I let myself go sometimes…but when you’re shooting a gun, don’t start thinking when the bullet is already in the barrel, start thinking before you start pressuring the trigger! You may not get a bullet deflection...or like most peolple say: second chance like me.

Historically Imploding Mutant Hysteria

Idioteque on other directions...

2005-04-10T03:19:00.000+01:00

The perception of a kind of perfection generated by chaos makes me float in unidentified directions that are others that I, at first, determined…makes me feel like an idiot dancing in a radio tuned discotheque! But even so I let myself go at he beat, rhythm of various instruments all played individually but creating and unanimous atmosphere…I don’t need vision, taste, touch or smell: music leads me into all those senses and kinesis transports me in an undetermined numbers of positions and places, with people and surroundings that make surreal seem real, and Dalí painting looks like a common photograph picture of our daily life.
I can’t avoid the city to take me there…I want to be taken there…I demand it and force it…implode, explode, combust, corrode, develop, degradate, decay, expand, inflate, shrink…I go bigger and smaller, but I go…my sphere is in constant change and, even when sometimes it is painful or appears unpleasant, I know at the end it will be better! Everything will get in it’s right place, despite every single phase it has to go through…I feel people are too stubborn to change, tied to their stable and homeostatic pseudo happiness produced by pills, fake movements and behaviours…but that it just my feeling, it doesn’t mean it’s a good one…maybe I’m too tied to my pseudo chaotic unbalanced sphere control!

Just an Imploding Mutant deranged by Hysteria.

P.S. – I saw a great Nicola Conte concert today…especially the drummers and horns performances!

Dreamsequence...

2005-04-06T03:05:00.000+01:00

As I walked alone through the empty city streets at 2 in the morning I stumble on garbage man, whores, drunken adolescents, billboard changing mans…single moments of life isolated by the silence that their sounds submerge in me, because my ears are shut by dEUS, in an Ideal Crash as the dreamsequence evolves…like living under water listening to music…the problem is that we always need to reach the surface to breath or we die: “Wouldn’t you like to be able to breath underwater?”

I’m writing this new post and feeling like floating underwater or flying above the city lights that peacefully sleeps in a restful night…images of all kind burp in my visual perception as I close my eyes…people appear in them, others I make disappear...I choose this dreamsequence, as I also choose how it starts or ends, but I can’t avoid the interference of my whole self, that implodes undesired things into it (undesired, unresolved, unwanted, disturbing…whatever)…not even our awaken dreams we completely control…these aren’t free of scars and bursts…but are the closest we get to our perception of perfection, even it may be very imperfect!
Even so, not being able to imagine makes us more than dead to whatever we are, but we must be able to return to the real world…I’m proud of being a Spaceboy performing as a Talkshow Host feeling as an Imploding Mutant Hysteria in the body that was given to me.

Dream in a sequence of 1 = 2 and 2 + 2 = 5
I.M.H.

P.S. - 0% substance used in the making of this post.

Plastic Love Memory

2005-04-02T23:52:00.000+01:00

Te essence of the past days have thrown me into moments of intensity…one year ago I could never predict all this cascade of events evolving inside and outside of me…
The question is: Is everything better or worse?
I can not define…I could say it is different…better in some of the aspects and worse in other…the rhythm is completely different…the pace, the smell, the sound, the touch and image of the whole thing…the world has become a different place for me…so I can only conclude, that it’s not the world that has changed, it’s me and mostly the way I live and perceive the world.

I believe I’m enjoying more my life…mostly due to the greater position of indifference I inherited now, confronting myself more with choices and the importance of making them in life…facing important choices...attacking things I believe…not avoiding things that disturb me, but cleaning everything up…not leaving messes behind.

The first three months of the year are over…I’ve been as honest as I could…I’ve had/seen some peculiar moments with birds…

Thanx to all who’ve made this possible. Love, peace and empathy to you all…

I.M.H.

Accessories of the mind...

2005-03-21T02:17:00.000Z

As I use this form of communication, I try, with many different words to reach people that matter to me, in a direct or undirected form…I use this as a way to turn public a big part of my emotions, mostly those that disturb me the most…accessories to stabilize my mind in a world that creates a new form of fascism: the image fascism…I appear to be free in ways of thinking or acting, but I will always be classified as something so that society can not affect its homeostasis…we are all spheres glued to the surface of a huge sphere that turns in certain directions…do we really want to always be part of a certain group inside our small society, that itself lives inside a city, country, continent, planet, solar system, universe?………..we are really so small and insignificant, but the thought of being unique in a small group, gives us the illusion of the importance we have…and the society in which we breath classifies us as something, so I create a new movement: the unclassified, but by doing this I’m classifying! Can we really survive without a tag around our neck? Do we want to be untagged? Can we live untagged?

I feel like I’m nothing, and don’t tell me I’m special to that or another person and for myself, because life would go on with or without me, after some bumpy moments…time, one of mankind's greatest creations, never stops…
On the other side, I believe that in my indifference towards my existence in this world I can make a small, positive and worthy difference for whoever will stumble on any of my footsteps, leaving the least tricky and unstable footsteps behind, trying to erase them, learning from them and avoiding a new emersion of the same mistakes. I truly believe we learn more from our mistakes then from our “good-takes”, so we are sentenced to make them to get a more stained version as result from our actions. I am sentenced to make good and bad small things in my small world, but I can make both and here lays my choice.

Honesty has been working for me…it’s not easy, but it has made my life less heavy…sometimes I would like to be more honest, but I’m starting to understand how selfish that can be due to the instability I could bring to some spheres…on the other side, this can be a very selfish and narcissistic way of thinking!...maybe my honesty wouldn’t change anything at all, but we all know that’s not true! Sometimes we don’t take a decision in function of good or bad, but in the perspective of the least damage…or the biggest advantage. The important thing to retain is that we have the power of decision and that, in whatever situation we are, it’s always our decision…

This is not my sentence and I shamefully don’t know the author of it, but it’s been a pillar of my functioning: “My freedom ends from the moment it interferes with the freedom of the other.”
But can we really understand the notion of freedom if we have to limit its range of action?

Freedom and Respect as 1=2 and 2+2=5
Thanx for reading (even when I become mainstreamed, like in my past post, but women are one of my main fuels)
I.M.H.

Cropduster

2005-03-20T04:07:00.000Z

The beauty of a female body that swings at the sound of a beat, of a movement, of a smell, of a touch, of an glimpse, synchronizes my feelings and makes me dream in a passionate way about it…wanting to listen to it with my fingertips, watch it with the tip of my tongue, smell it with my eyes.
Sometimes I obsess with figures of female forms that I can’t have…I guess everybody does, but does everybody obsess the way I do, not being able to substitute that image for another one? It’s so strange how emotional I become, and how irrational I perform when I get controlled by a beauty image, that by the passing of days I start to corrode, so I can easily accept the unreachable aspect of this form, not trying even to reach it. I will not fight gaining to much respect for my opponents, not establishing an honest or even dirty fight to posses what I desire…I to softly accept what my supposed destiny lays in front of me, even when it looks reachable – I’m too soft.
Thankfully I always wish for what I don’t have not preserving what I already gained…

I very fast post by I.M.H.

Lisboa (from moonlight to twilight)

2005-03-16T02:14:00.000Z

Siento que todos los colores que veo asociados al movimiento y sonido, me envuelven como un niño en una cuna de piedra. Al escoger la lengua de Cervantes para escribir esta nota se debe a mi necesidad de expresar un día raro pero lleno…el castellano ha dominado mi forma de pensar hoy…encuato miraba al Tajo, después de la media noche, los barcos se paseaban de forma tranquila sobre sus aguas como que intentando no hacer ruido para que el niño se durmiera en su cuna. Las luces de la ciudad suspiraban sus dolores que al largo del día habían digerido de los millares de personas que debajo de su estado apagado, se movían. La ciudad no duerme y yo tampoco, porque presiento que algo iba a pasar…hoy me apetecía hacer locuras…tirarme desnudo al Tajo y esperar que el me vistiera. Fue lo que hizo, cando lo miré, el me contó algunas historias suyas, me recordó otras mías y me dijo para no dejar de creer…mi esfera llegará a algún destino todos los días…unos mas racionales, otros mas emocionales…unos mas llenos otros menos llenos…días y mas días que me revuelven el alma…pero es la noche que me hace respirar, aun que de forma algo melancólica pero simultáneamente alegre, toda esta experiencia de vida que estoy teniendo en uno de los años mas intensos de mi vida. El sol, el Tajo, el puente, el “silencio” nocturno de la ciudad, el movimiento del coche, las luces, las estatuas, la música, las casas, los semáforos, los árboles, las personas…Lisboa (from moonlight to twilight).

La cuna es de piedra por dos razones: Una es completamente personal y la otra porque mismo que tenga todos mis sentidos despiertos y súper receptivos a todo tipo de estimulo, la forma como hoy los he encajado ha sido algo dura…pero una cuna de piedra no quiere decir que sea específicamente inconfortable.

Una versión ibérica de la Histeria Mutante en Implosión

Mysterious…still holding on this sea.

2005-03-11T02:37:00.000Z

Did you really want? No I didn’t…
The movement of my sphere stumbles on wished desires that aren’t always what how I structured them. So I can resolve this in two different ways: Or accept it as the wished desired fulfilled or rejecting it and looking for another one.
Inside the accepting option, I will have, consciously our unconsciously, always the notion that it’s not the exact right piece for that place on the puzzle, so I can accept reality or adapt perception of reality – one leads to deception and settling for less, the other with denial and distortion.
In the rejection option I may stumble on some other three options: frustration for not finding something at least as good as the one denied and so being able to settle for even less (bigger frustration); finding something different that is not even better or worst than the previous, not comparable, but delivers the same level of satisfaction than the previous so the sphere has to settle for the same amount of satisfaction (indolence); or really finding something better (sometimes looks as an unreachable task)!

Should I retune my frequencies and settle for less or should I keep a high standard and hope that the last option comes to life?…for now, I will keep rolling and not settling because my purpose for the year doesn’t allow me to become dishonest and honesty delivers a opposite for towards indolence!

“It’s always the same, wake up in the rain, head in pain, hung in shame, a different name, same old game, love in vain, miles, and miles and miles away from home again.”
The Cure in “The edge of the deep green sea” from the album Show

I.M.H. somewhere in “The edge of the deep green sea!” (Probably one of my favourite songs from The Cure, especially the version performed in Show, but never forget A Forest)…

Trilogia Suja de Havana.

2005-03-08T01:51:00.000Z

Due to my lack of inspiration and general apathy for writing new comments in the past week, I’ll leave you with a citation of the book I’m reading at the moment.

"É que sexo não é para gente escrupulosa. O sexo é um intercâmbio de líquidos, de fluidos, saliva, respiração e cheiros fortes, urina, sémen, merda, suor, micróbios, bactérias. Ou não é. Se é só ternura e espiritualidade etérea então não passa de uma paródia estéril do que podia ser." (p. 13)
Pedro Juan Gutiérrez em “Trilogia suja de Havana” (2004, 6ª edição, Lisboa: Publicações Dom Quixote.)

Best regards,

I.M.H.

Unleash a/the dream.

2005-02-24T05:13:00.000Z

Dreams…are they what we want to be or things that already are?
Sometimes, I walk around not understanding if the moment I’m living is reality or a dream. But aren’t dreams things that we desire to happen or digestions of our daily life? So couldn’t life be all art of a dream instead of life being a part of life?

In things I desire I’m used to not being able to easily reach them…most of the times I’m not able to reach them at all, so I dream about them! So my dream becomes reality and my reality drowns in the dream I, in a persistent form, want to become reality. So the real fuel to move my sphere in the direction of the dream I pursuit lies in a fantasy, of a future I want to become…so, all my live will resides in a ability of my brain to predict a supposed future I work towards!

Tonight I’m going to dream of something new, or maybe not…I’m just going to let my brain float towards a future that awaits me…I know part of my recent future and who belongs in it…who are you drawing inside your future? Do you really want to dream that? Desire is something that moves us and sometimes unleashing it could expand the dreams we want to have. Just don’t stop dreaming…so you can look in he mirror in the morning and smile at the conspiracy as your sphere stabilizes due to all the unleashed desires and wishes.

I.M.H.