Fade into you.

Listening to a record from a long time ago (Mazzy Star: So Tonight I Might See)…
I can only write:

I want to fade into you
I want to fade into all of you
I want to fade into my hotel
I want to fade into your room
I want to fade into your sleep
I want to fade into your dreams
I want to fade into something true
I want to fade into the blue
Fading and becoming one, from two.
Fading and swallowing all the stupid things I said to you
Fading and drowning my selfishness
Fading and being reborn into something new
I want to fade into the waves we dream about
I want to fade into the sand we lay on
I want to fade into the sun that blinds us both
I want to fade into the full moon we simultaneously look at (from a different place)
I want to fade into the stars we count
I want to fade into you…and into me…into us.

I.M.H. fading…

Distance awareness = my stupidity!

A tribute to Edward Steichen
“The Pond-moonlight” photograph from Edward Steichen (1904)
Retrieved from www.publico.clix.pt on the 16 of February 2006 at 18h23m

Distance...a physical measure or a psychological awareness? Or both?
I feel distance…I’m aware of that distance…but sometimes I do not feel the distance, cause I have no need for the physical proximity, so I can only conclude that psychologically it is more important than physically? Some of you are laughing right now as you read this knowing what my main graduation is! But honestly I’m thinking about this as neutral as I can be.

But I will contradict myself! I should not have psychological distance with yOU anymore, because right now it only exists physically…but I do feel it, very selfishly I must admit, but I do feel it…I’m demanding something I should not and I feel ashamed for myself…even that distance exists physically, psychologically I should not demand it, cause that is what I’m really doing…
Some other persons I do not feel the need to gain physical proximity, because I feel them so close psychologically, like everything is in it’s right place! I do not have doubts, cause that is what it really is all about: Having uncertainties and doubts about something.
So even I’m smelling you from the other side of your room’s door (2046), I miss you…I do want to feel yOU…while with others, physical distance is a minor point, from the moment I feel I can rely on you easily as I feel you all rely on me (and it’s not that I don’t wish to be with you all, I do…even it’s not in such a physical way)…

I know I’m confused because I cannot accept the way my self demands your attention…I’m sorry…
Thanks for reading…

I.M.H.

Discovering how time passes by!

I write about spheres, hotels, rooms, surfaces, liquids, inside-out, outside-in, inside-in, outside-out, pigs in cages, hearing colours, tasting sounds, looking at smells, touching tastes, smelling tastes…by travelling with me I discover how my self exits, coexists and as quick as it develops, it implodes and mutates with silent screams.

Unfortunately, as some always look at others to explain themselves, few look at themselves to explain themselves and even more few intake what others say about their self to really understand their "selfs"! This may sound as prejudice for some of you but it’s not…because I’m really trying to understand my self from the third point of view and that’s not easy (at least for me), since I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve selfishly looked too much at me to understand me and haven’t listened enough to what others outlook me and why they build up and create such an image that may be closer to what I really am, than the one I really want to believe I am (my imaginary self)…

So I’ve mostly been struggling on me and nothing else but me…because I have no clear image of what I am and what I really want to become…it’s not that I’m completely lost or even close to that, just that I’ve been confronted with some aspects of me that left me uncomfortable, just because they are so true! Thanks to all of you for showing me “me”.

But right now I’ sure of several things: I love this city I live in and I want to stay here very strongly…I made some amazing friends here that really strengthen my will to stay here. In this city, I fell in love like I believe I never had before and on the post of the 23rd of January 2006, I mention you bERTA as that the one I love so much and dearly.
This, in conjugation with my self discovering that this persons and city have provided me, will make me grow closer to what I really am.
Of course, in Viana and Porto some of my most precious persons live up there…I do not forget all of you…
Thanks for reading…

I.M.H.