New Year in your room (2046)

Image from the film "2046", taken from the internet page: http://www.duendemad.com/images/cine/48-2046.jpg on the 27th of December 2005 at 02h35m.

I cannot stop listening to this track right now (“The Pioneers (M83 remix)” performed by Bloc Party on the album Silent Alarm Remixed), very loud on my headphones…I cannot go to sleep without leaving here some words…at the same time I shouldn’t because this is only meant to communicate to yOU and only yOU…

The music shouts to me: “It’s all under control…it’s all under control…all you need is time” …and I smile, because I do not have the control…I have no idea if I have time. I just have the certainty of the strength of my love towards yOU. Take me to 2046.

I would love to spend the first seconds of the New Year feeling the softness and sweetness of your lips with my lips.

I.M.H. with self-centred New Years wishes.

Rooms in hotels! Hotels in rooms!

Image from the film "2046", taken from the internet page: http://www.raremovieimages.com/2046/00612_F_05_1000.jpg on the 25th of December 2005 at 02h45m

So we all are hotels, some more oriental than others!

And each rooms leads to another hotel, another dimension. But yOU are my dimension 2046! The dimension we all go towards when we are looking for something called………..whatever, but we (I’m speaking in general, not specifically) know we are looking for it.

We control our hotel, but, even imposing some rules during check-in, we never control what’s happening inside. This gains more uncertainty when our guests stay in the same room for a very long time. So entering a rented room, we are always entering a dimension that is part of us, because we made it that way, but we do not control de life inside of it. In Oriental Hotel, I even give the liberty for the guests to change the room at their pleasure without reaching a point of destruction…Oriental Hotel cannot lose its personality!

I just imagine the two of us in this position (as in the image at the top of this post)…in room 2046. Your room…in my hotel…but also the door to your hotel, from your room! And where is my room in your hotel?

I.M.H. that loves and misses yOU. I love your room: 2046

P.S. – May all of your Christmas be special in some way! Love + Peace + Empathy <=> Respect <=> 1 = 2 as 2 + 2 = 5.

Oriental Hotel

Image from the movie 2046. Taken from the site: http://www.julietteb.com/divers/2046.jpg on the 23rd of December 2005 at 04h54m.

If all rooms had the intensity of 2046…there would be no 2046…there would only be numbers.
My life as an Oriental Hotel, with different rooms.
There is always room 2046, where yOU are. A huge room, hypnotizing, beautiful, with some mirrors on the wall…wall colours that change from time to time, the position of the furniture changes…a room while looking at the whole of it, I do not perceive every single precious little detail that constitutes it, but those are the things that really hypnotize me. The smell; the light; the shivers I feel while I walk in it, the sounds that constitute the room are unique.
The beauty if yOU laying on the bed, the way yOU smoothly dance with the silk-sheets while yOU sleep…the room is yOU and yOU are part of the room, cause that is your room.
I could spend days…weeks…months…years in that room, exploring every single corner, every piece of furniture that yOU specifically chose to compose it and make it yours.
I love your room, because I love yOU...I want to enter your hotel from your room. But as 1 equals 2, and 2+2 equals 5, your room is enigmatic, and hypnotizing…I’m not looking for the solution, I’m just looking around because it pleases me, it gives me pleasure, it drowns me, I leisure myself in it…because I feel I can make your room (that is part of your hotel) more fascinating for yOU and so make my hotel so much more exiting for me.

Elliptic spheres in hotel rooms!

I.M.H. that loves yOU and misses yOU too...

I am ashamed and speachless with my behavior...

Image taken from: http://www.wkw-inthemoodforlove.com

Movie: "In the mood for love" by Wong Kar-Wai

"My movements dance at the smoothness of your walk and how I love to walk next to yOU!"

Could I have been more ashamed of myself, disrespectful to the person I love in this world? I will not forgive my self for this one and I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you so much…even I know the weight of the word I use to ask for my forgivenes does not have the ability to block the wound of the blade I used on yOU.

I hope I can ever go back to the start.

Xavier...

Os tengo demasiado lejos...

Hoy escribo en castellano, porque en la realidad, hay dos rezones para que este blog esta en ingles: 1º Porque cuando escucho música en ingles, yo hago mucho caso a las letras y por eso, en cuanto escribo y escucho música, me sale todo en ingles. 2º Porque quiero que este blog llegue lo mas lejos posible, a todas las personas q conozco…pero como la mayor parte se encuentra en tierras de Cervantes, y el ingles no os va muy bien, esta hipótesis casi que se anula a si misma.

Pues que os puedo decir: que hay muchos de vosotros a que hecho tanto de menos y que se que si viviéramos físicamente mas próximos, a menudo estaríamos juntos. Cris, Celsa, Ricardo, Sabrina, Isma, Manolet…soys como familia para mi…y lo escribo aquí para dejarlo público…A mi hermanita, de Valladolid…ya no eres familia, pero eres mi sangre, y por ti me pueden matar.

Pues este blog gira en torno de una esfera: la mía (ya se, una perspectiva muy egocéntrica de funcionar). Lo que en la realidad intento es encontrar explicaciones para mogollón de formas de mi funcionar. Tanto a nivel interior como exterior. Pero últimamente, mi mundo pequeñito y ridículo, ha sido agitado por una esfera que me deja ciego por la intensidad de luz que emite. Pero no tengo miedo de sentir, tengo mas miedo de pensar (esto puede sonar muy paradoxal ya que este blog piensa sobre los sentimientos)…pero como me dijo Cris, lo q importa, al final en la vida, son las personas…y siempre que encuentro personas que me hagan sentir bien, porque no lo he de decir?…de sentir?…Son las personas que me hacen vivir…Si, estoy enamorado…estoy sintiendo con toda la fuerza, pero me estoy machacando a mi mismo…pero lo siento de corazón abierto...es la persona de mi vida…y no sangro, vivo!

Últimamente siento necesidad de dejar claro al mundo quien son las personas que hacen la diferencia en existencia, y del otro lado de la frontera hay muchas…demasiadas quizás (y cuando digo esto, no lo digo de forma negativa, pero de forma muy positiva…)…gracias por leer todo lo que aquí escribo, mismo que tenga muy pocos comentarios, se que pasáis por aquí a menudo…
Pues un whisky mas me tomo…un segundo porro me fumo…y a dormir, que mañana hay que trabajar para ganarse económicamente la vida.
Os quiero a todos, besos,

I.M.H. con una crisis patriótica...

The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

Image taken from the movie: "The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" (2004)

Directed by Michel Gondry. Argument by Michel Gondry and Charlie Kaufman.

I don’t want to erase…I will never want to erase you, because only amazing things you give me, only amazing things you make me feel, only you are you and it’s that you I love…and even it hurts sometimes, I want to love, keep loving and remember that love. The real ones we can never erase!

“I don't feel cold when I’m laying on the ice with you! Tonight we were cold, but even so I loved getting drunk on the taste of your silk-skin!” (Xavier)

I.M.H.

Kind of love...

Of course, I wouldn’t be able to sleep before I send this out to the web…

I am surrounded by people…people I love, people I work with, people I live with, people that don’t matter, people that matter…people…

And I promised to become silent towards some aspects of my life, and I will maintain discrete even some of you already know what I’m talking about.
What I would like to leave clear here is that, most things I write are very serious to me…this a stupidly serious blog…and maybe I should take life more at ease…
I use words that for me are very strong and mean a lot…I don’t want to be misunderstood that by putting them here out in the open, that I’m taking weight of them or using them in vain! And now, more specifically, I’m talking about the word LOVE. I’ve used it quite often lattlley because I felt the need to let some persons know that I love them in a specific way. When I mean love, I really do mean love! And when I say “I love you!” I really mean I love you!!! And persons that know me well, know that I don’t use it in vain…that I hadn’t used it for years…
But I’m in love with someone, and she knows who she is…I would turn the world upside-down for you…and that love for you is so strong, that I do not want to silent it, because something so strong, can only mean real, pure, unconditional LOVE. And it’s great to feel it. I LOVE YOU. No hidden messages, no hidden words…just your name, in respect! Because it’s something ours…
Xavier

Images from the movie "Dolls", by Takeshi Kitano.
Music for tonight: "Let's go out tonight", performed by Craig Armstrong, on the album The Space Between us.

P.S. - Maybe this movie does not show the way I love you…but maybe it does…thank you for showing me this masterpiece.

Correction...

Pictures by I.M.H. for Time Fractions

Once again I was wrong…you called me! I think you liked the present…and this is the part missing that I couldn’t put together…I just wanted to admit in public I was once more wrong, silence will be made an effort to prevail from now on…

I.M.H. stupidity…

Weeks resume.

Picture by I.M.H. for time fractions.

04h51m…just finished working, talking with some friends, have a whisky…putting something in a mailbox...

I feel a strange week (at first I classified as difficult, but I rather change it to strange). A hard week at home with Oedipus tensions being raised very high…but I controlled myself completely. It’s not the matter of winning a battle or a war, it’s a matter of feeling good with myself and with my actions…tune in how I feel and think with how finally I act.

Afterwards, (for those who didn’t get it like that!), I literally got a gun pointed at my head from another car, at about 2h30m of the 8th of December. And rather than scare me, it made me think…but 30 minutes later, that day I read something that only 24 hours later I realized: S (from Belgium) committed suicide!...Seconds can become hours and seconds can just be seconds…time is how we feel it…

In the meanwhile I felt I’m getting stronger, thanks to the support of friends I have and that when I need them they are always there: AGGA, Ana, Killa, Ju, M, Cris, an lots more, but this are the first ones I call, when yOU are not in reach…

The strange thing about all this is that I feel I could become very close (I don’t mean in a physical way, but emotionally, I feel I can trust them completely, but I already made some mistakes thruought my life at this level) with some persons while with others ,that would never be possible. There is no logical explanation for this, it's a feeling…

Today……will you call me? Well you like what I left you in your mailbox? Why do I think you won’t? Only you know…
Maybe I'm, stuck with some things and thoughts in my life...but after I solve them, another crossroad will apear.
Thanks for being there and I dedicate to my dearest friends “Agnus Day” performed by Rufus Wainwright on the album Want Two.

Love you all differently but with the same strength…

I.M.H.

To yOU I’m still listening to “Lullaby” performed by Lamb on the album Fear of Fours.

To you b...

...on your last oriental sunset, moonshadow and surise.

"Lullaby"

Always and forever

We'll be free

Always and forever

Be with me

We'll have love aplenty

We'll have joys outnumbered

We'll share perfect moments

You and me
Always and forever

You will see

Always and forever

Just be with me
We'll have love aplenty

We'll have joys outnumbered

We'll share perfect moments

You and me

You and me

You and me

Performed by Lamb on the album Fear of Fours

...because I miss touching your voice, listening to your eyes and watching your smell.

Most of what I wrote here the past 3 weeks is what I wanted to talk with you about.

Love You so much. Always and forever, yours.

X

S

As the dust settles, and I am able to easily open my eyes again, all this questions pop out of my mind! It’s not making the decision of taking its own life that bothers me, but getting it really done?
I start to realize how easy it can be and how hard at the same time…it had been more than 7 or 8 months since I had exchange an email with you…for nearly 8 years we never lost touch and now I can delete your phone number from my mobile phone, because you no longer exist! I can delete your email! I can delete you address...I have to delete you, because you no longer exist...even this post is nonesense because you'll never read it! But I have to let this out.

I realize you are gone! Maybe I wouldn’t miss you if we kept silent for another 8 or 9 months but as we come to facts, I miss you!

So in memory of you, I write this post. I’m not gone judge your act…it just feels cold.
I can only smile at the times we spent together…thank you.

Love, Peace and Empathy.
Respect

X.

To S I dedicate "The Pionner" performed by Bloc Party and remixed by M83 for the album Silent Alarm Remix.

Tonight...in memory of...

Today, I am, was happy…in a couple of minutes, everything flips the other way around…

I am/was happy because my Football team won an important match against a difficult team.

I am happy because it’s the birthday of one of my best friends, who I love so much! Obrigado por tudo Ju…Parabéns do fundo do coração do teu “paizinho”…sabes que te amo.

Tonight I am sad because somebody I knew died…suddenly…she decided to die. I will miss you so much…I already do.

Tonight I got scared because somebody pointed a gun at me, from another car, while I was driving…I felt how my life can become someone else’s possession…or not! This time it didn’t.

Tonight I sent you 2 stupid messages…I’m scared, because I miss you. Tonight I wrote you "Amo-te" and I got.............

I.M.H. …without being able to define the exact feeling. I’m frozen…I’m cold. Tonight I’m alone and I want to stay like that...but at the same time I want to share all this with all of you.

Tonight I'm listening to a “Persian Love Song” and “Sanvean”, by Lisa Gerard, very loud on my headphones…in repeat.

Driving on a week grid.

"Week Grid"

All pictures by I.M.H. for Time Fractions

Are there really hard times as we perceive them as so?...This was a hard week, but it's over and another one is starting.

Well here I present a picture grid of the last week…most pictures from tonight.
Oporto, 22h05m, Casa da Musica, on the 6th of December 2005, dEUS walk on stage. Previously, at about 19h10m in the FNAC forum of the Norteshopping, they performed acoustically…
Afterwards, at about 00h40m of the 7th of December of 2005, I start a trip towards south. Lisbon, to be more accurate (arrival: 03h06m). Good music bursting out of the stereo and a night drive…how I love to drive at night listening to music getting under my skin…

Driving song: “If you don’t get what you want” dEUS perform on Pocket Revolution.
Lyrics available on: http://www.hotellounge.com/songs/ifyoudont.htm

I.M.H. driving…

Unison

Hoy he empezado a leer un nuevo libro... no sé si es bueno. Sé intitula “Madrid me mata” de Alfredo Hervías y Mendizábal.

Hoy escribo en castellano, porque me apetece...por la historia del libro pasar por Madrid...no es la primera vez que lo hago, pero quiero hacer una referencia a todas esas personas que tanto quiero, de Valencia a Barcelona, pasando por Madrid. A mi "hermanita" (prima, tía...lo que sea) en Villaolon (Valladolid): Te quiero y te hecho de menos.

También me gustaría hacer aquí una referencia directa a esas tres personas (A. & N. + I.)* que me ha encantado conocer. Fue hace un par de semanas. Me sentí muy a gusto con vosotros (mismo que solo haya sido por unas horas). Una ciudad española mas para añadir a mi mapa: Sevilla.

Sabéis cuanto os quiero a todos, y nunca olvidéis: 1 = 2 cuando 2 + 2 = 5.
X.

Os dedico a TODOS esta canción de Bjork, del disco “Vespertine”: Unison

* Casi nunca hago referencia directa al nombre de las personas, pero sabéis quien sois.

Puppet in a box...

Front cover of the book: “Jean-Paul Goude: So Far, so Goude” by Patrick Mauries

Edition Assouline, October 2005

Ok, I’m listening to “Takk”*…again…I know there are other records, other bands, but I cannot avoid choosing this record as the one to listen to now.

“Glosoli” just started playing and here I go.
Suddenly, I realized how thinking I was open to the outside, I had closed my self in my inside sphere. I was closed in a box, away from someone, from me…
I let myself be such a “Doll” sometimes…because I love…and I love to love and drown in the way I love because I give everything for the love I believe in swallowing me and others in it. And yes it’s you I love. bERTA _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ...and it's with you I would like to drown my self into and become one. Distance does not give me distance.

On the other side, I see people drowning in themselves. I see a dear friend of mine swallow himself in an autophagic manner and I can just silently scream in anger because I evolve such painful feelings....because I love him.
Yes, today I can say I’m sad…I’m sad because of some close relationships being swallowed for some superficial avoidance (I'm not talking about yOU). And my sphere roles…roles on bumps, but confident I made the right moves…even I feel so misunderstood sometimes, I know I did what my conscious is based on: honesty. I’m in a box but I can still move.

We all want more…what we have is never enough…but I try just to get more out of my self and give it to others, because I’m nothing without you and I know I’m little parts in everyone of you.

Love you,
I.M.H. ("Sê Lest"…“here I ear: “Uhh, I love you”)

P.S. – Can’t imagine how hard it is for me to maintain silence with you, but it’s not impossible. But respect for me means respect. My urge to write you a simple message becomes unbreathable, so I write it here. I listen to "Gong" and......................................................and it's our hidden moment.

* "Takk" is a record by Sigur Rós and the entire post was written, edited and published while listening to it. So all songs mentioned here are from that album. Thanks for reading.

That was (and is) my veil...

http://www.anime-bg.dir.bg/images/small_chmploo.jpg
Retrieved on the 3rd of December 2005 at 05h37m.

And I patiently wait, with my sword resting on my shoulder...but the blade carves into my flesh.

Thanks to the ones that were there for me last night…that are going to be with me today…because you know that some of this hard days are crossroads from long years ago that sometimes reappear…because you make space for me to breath, for my sphere to keep rolling. Last night, especially M. (even you pierced some well deserved needles into my heart last night) and Curly Sue, of course!

I.M.H. with killer Oedipus drifts…drifts that are transformed into guitar screams.