I wish...for this Landslide to not hit rock bottom, just sea level.

Source: www.publico.clix.pt Foto: J.Pat Carter/AP

20st September 2005 at 22h39m

The blast of water that drown us in the moment of desperation…I want to drown with my headphones on, listening to a certain tune…that certain tune. “Two more years”, performed by Bloc Party right now and that I dedicate to you, yes you...
“Kick In My Heart” performed by Gliss on their debut EP…I like the title, but it’s not the right tune…so I’m going to change it.
But when I say I want to drown, my aim is not to asphyxiate, but the dive underwater and float, drift away, with my headphones on…in a blue world, where I swim around in my little sphere, like I would be in a crystal ball submarine. Disintegration, the entire album by The Cure is what I would really like to listen to now. But I don’t have it right here, so I always want what I don’t have (So Genetic World by Telepopmusic is playing. "Just Breath", she sings)…an unbalanced behaviour of my body/mind/soul for the past days, that becomes obsessive by the urge to control. Like imagining I can control the impact of a wave that is just too big to ride.

So here is “Takk”, by Sigur Rós…probably the album of the month for me for several reasons as most of you already noticed while waggling around this blog. When I created this miniscule place on the World Wide Web, I had no idea how in certain moments I would really Implode and Mutate into my Hysteria…I try not to judge my self, but sometimes it becomes inevitable, as I puke when I look over my shoulder and see how I behaved…but on the other hand that’s me…in a pure anxiety stade due to the feeling of loosing everything I wished for at that right moment in time. I feel I had it but I lost it due to my stupidity...
I feel I’ve been pushing myslef off centre to block the sphere’s movement…banging myself against the wall in the opposite direction of its movement to see if it slows down for a while…but that block is only a provocation of a little part of me, cause the entire sphere is me…and I’m bumping into other spheres sometimes…am I going to burst? I don’t think so! It’s just another Landslide I threw my entire self into…I may burst, crash, even break, but I will not stop breathing even if all this happens under water. But right now it hurts and aches.

I.M.H.

P.S. – I wish for rain…I wish for wind…I wish for a thunderstorm…I wish for a typhoon. I wish for the weather to change…

Realizations of a “New Year”

Silence has taken over this blog for some time now…on purpose? Maybe sometimes…my sphere has been riding a very unstable rollercoaster were I’ve had difficulty to hang on to…I jumped of the moving train into a rollercoaster. But what more can someone wish for than extreme feelings, stomach aches, heart cravings and mind floatings!?

I’ve realized how immature I am in the past week…how dreamy my world is…how happy I can be with few, and how unhappy I can become when that little, but at the same time so big piece of the puzzle, is missing!

The past weeks have also been of structuring the past, getting in contact with it…realizing what I was, what I’ve learned, what I still fall into…stumble with happiness and at the end smile. Past Saturday, someone very special told me: At the end, what matters are the people! This may seem a casual sentence if it wasn’t with the intensity she told me…and it means what it means…nothing besides it, just that, loud and clear.

For me, the year always starts around now! September-October…maybe that is due to the child I am and the bonding I have with school!
So now I tell you, I’m in a new year…a hard one I feel…nothing is crucial, but it will be quite determinant for my existence…
And, as all that matters are the people, I would like to thank you all, from north to south, passing through the center and over the border! I love some of you so much that I would kiss you on the lips. Thanks for being there.

I.M.H.

P.S. – I’m still being as honest as I can…but it's so hard when apparently I can loose everything I now mostly wish for.

From me to you: Takk

Everything blossoms as everything reaches its right place.
From today on, I feel we’ve become one as we fused our sincerity into the importance of our existence for eachother…

I do not want to say much, just that I want to thank you, yes you, for existing…for making me smile at this time of day and life…for being you and letting me meet that you…its hard to avoid falling in love with you but I will do it, if that is what matters for everything that just happened to be maintained.

From me to you…no I.M.H….no Talkshow Host…no X. Just me.

P.S. - Eternally, the album Takk by Sigur Rós has now for me a picture in time, and that is you.

We float...apart.

The world turns and keeps on turning. And as we stop it’s like jumping of a moving train as we hit the floor, our body goes forward and hits the ground with all its strength. As we try to stand up, it all depends on the scars we acquire on our hands and knees. No, I didn’t jump of a moving train, yet! But I have to choose a place or moment to jump…the problem right now is that it appears that it’s gaining speed…maybe later it will slow down…maybe he is just reaching cruise-control. Maybe he’s standing still and I have the illusion that he is moving…maybe it’s just me listening to “Talkshow Host” performed by Radiohead…and wanting to float…in confidence…with you…so that we’ll float (Performed by PJ Harvey on the album “Stories from the cities. Stories from the sea.”) as I try to grow up and out of my teenage stupidities. Today you made me see: Oh I have to let the train ride…jump of and on and of and on so I can reach something…something minimally mature.

I.M.H. the infinite child trying to lisen to its mentors but the music is playing too loud.

I passed it on to...

The silence always drawn into words of screams inside a world with no air and where sound waves are not able to develop. The inside of the sphere is only audible to the inside itself, while an outside scream becomes known as far as the waves can go…
But while silence sometimes means more then a dictionary full of words, the scream we want to expel demands always a balance between reason and emotion…I’m more fond of emotion than reason, even I use my reason to sharpen my emotions and my emotions to proceed with my reasoning…so again the balance of the unbalanced moment trying to maintain it’s homeostatic balance rebalances itself into harmonic-unbalanced-chaos.

So simple words pull me back to my pleasant unbalance moment, while other, or the absence of them takes me towards chaotic-unorganized-balanced (the order of this words may be changed but they might not mean the same…but may represent better what you feel…yes you, all of you that read this ****).

I’m trying to balanced myself into the centre of this chaotic sphere, building on this fresh and new “Pocket Revolution” performed by dEUS…
Thanks for visually absorbing my words.

I.M.H.

Paranoid writing.

“You are waiting for the moment, but the moment doesn’t exist! The moment existed!”
Two days ago I suddenly spitted out this sentence while talking to a Killo! It matches my previous post of Is this is? -> no, that WAS it!
So I am always trying to imagine what is uncertain when the only thing I can really analyse is the past, cause the future may be near but is still not here! I’m wished I could be hunting for secrets tonight and hunt those demons…against demons…so I am going to listen AGAINST DEMONS…cause I want to be born again, and you are helping my rebirth! I have no idea how all this is going to develop, but right now I feel great just listening to your voice…reading words you write me…communicating…

We should be able to dance unexpectedly, in the middle of the night by lunar lightning at the rhythm of our breathing…how I feel childish landing nowhere and shouting silent screams into nothing, just to be read by everyone.
September…what does September have to me? Nothing I suppose, but when we want we can make correlations out of every single stupid obvious past moment, for the same reason we can uncorrelated everything…lets all listen to this “Paranoid Android”…but we will all finish at the “Exit Music (for a film)” Both songs performed by Radiohead on the album O.K. Computer.

I don’t feel the ability to write today even having so much to say…maybe because tonight I’m more of a X, that suddenly turns into a Talkshow Host but has few of this Imploding Mutant Hysteria….thanks to all of you for reading this anyway and for making my life so intresting…love you all!

I recommend the whole album to all of you, just as a flashback!